December 31 2022;

mood: chill | listening to: sailor saturn - macross 82-99

I've been meaning to sit down and write a diary entry for a few days but I've just been either busy or tired! Or both! But I finally have a tiny bit of time to myself right now before I head over to my parents' house to celebrate the New Year so this is the perfect time for me to scribble down some thoughts.

So when my sister came into town, we went to pick up up since her flight arrived pretty late at night (almost midnight) and I just didn't trust her taking an Uber to our parents home (because I'm paranoid...) It was so wonderful seeing her again since the last time we drove up to VA last spring!! Her visit was chill for the most part until she decided to be kind of a butthead one day (idk what it is with little sisters and their temper tantrums LOL) but other than that...a very nice time filled with lots of food. BUT she freaking got my entire family sick because she caught a bug while traveling. So for the past few days I've been sick again...I feel like this year I've been nothing but sick!!!!!! I'm really over it!

The Christmas Eve dinner went fine with my in-laws. Loud as usual...by now they are very used to me, so they didn't get their feelings hurt when I kind of buzzed off and played around on my phone in the living room. I did try to pipe up in conversation every now and then but meh. I was just too tired after all the cleaning and cooking. I made this homemade baked macaroni and cheese that they were all raving about but when I tasted it I hated it so much LMAO. It was just so rich and cheesy...truly made me sick. I guess that's the difference in our taste palates...

The next day was Christmas at my family's house!! My mom made a request that me and my sister get made up for a photo We both complained because we like being crusty and lazy HAHA but we humored my mom. We took a pic in matching Christmas pajamas...

There's nothing like being reminded you're the ugliest woman in your family but that's an entry for another day lmaooo. Anyways, my gift to my mom was a success and for the first time EVER she was touched! I was shocked but very happy because it was very hard for me to find a good copy of the dvd box set since it's not in production anymore. She would tell me stories of her favorite anime growing up called キャンディキャンディ(Candy Candy) so I really wanted to gift it to her. Was kind of expensive but worth it! We also got her a giftcard to one of the popular med spas in our area because she loves getting facials.

We got my dad PSN and iTunes cards because that was what he wanted (as usual) and my sister received some books and games that were on her wishlist. I received the most presents this year!! I was kinda shocked at that. I'm sooooo happy with what I got though

A few gift highlights:

So other than Christmas celebrations, we didn't really do much?? Just ate a lot. Ordered a lot of food. Watched s2 of Singles Inferno and Love is Blind Japan LOL. A lot of trash reality TV but honestly my favorite times with my sister are just hanging around junking it up and watching dumb stuff. I also sent off a package to my lovely friend today!! So I hope it arrives to her soon. Now that I think about it, I should have sent it with the faster shipping but I'm braindead and it didn't even occur to me until now..

I kind of wanted to write a ~deep~ diary entry about New Years resolutions and reflecting on this past year but..tbh this year my mental health was in the dumpster!!! So I don't want to write about it and make myself sad. (Also I'm running out of time and gotta start getting ready to leave the house in like 40 minutes aaaaa) I really want 2023 to be a year of healing and good vibes but we will see how it goes...

This was a rushed and dumb entry but I wanted to squeeze it in before the year ended!!

adios 2022!!
-K

December 15 2022;

mood: tired | listening to: nothing

SO. I'm not gonna lie. I had an absolutely awful time at that dinner. I felt so out of place, and freakish. Everyone already knew each other (so that was strike one) and I also just felt completely out of my element. I'm fairly certain I was one of the younger people there...and everyone looked so "normie" (I hate describing them that way but there's no other way that I can. Think sun-tanned, blonde, lululemon yoga mom types.) Like 99% of the mingling time, I was just seated by myself at the corner of a table messing around on my phone.

Everyone was really nice to me when I did say hi!!!! But I don't know how to talk to new people and how to enjoy it, to be quite frank. A lot of the dinner discussion was about work, HOAs, and how they regularly spend $415 on fruit at the "fancy" grocery store. I remember this number because it was so absurd to me, I'm sure I looked like a gaping fish LOL. I was kind of embarrassed too because I knew it was a nicer restuarant but I didn't know it was ~fine dining~ so 99% of the women were in beautiful evening dresses and I rolled up in some clunky black platform mary-janes and a black Swankiss top. That's my fault though because even though I googled the restuarant, I just went straight to the menu LOL

When I had my phone on the table, it felt like everyone stopped to poke and prod at my whipped decoden phone case. IDK something about it was so embarassing!!!! I felt like such a weirdo. And I kept getting asked, "Where are you from?" I really hate being asked that because it's just their way of asking what kind of asian are you? I would just answer, "Oh I lived in California for a bit before moving down here" and thank GOD a lot of them got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I just think that it's not important to talk about tbh and I'm even like that online for the most part (I usually just give the generic answer of 'just Asian' lmao) because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal as anyone's "waifu" online (which happened a lot when I was younger, which is gross) but I guess it doesn't matter anyways because I'm not the trendy Asian of the decade (thoughts and prayers out there to my Korean sisters, I know k-boos are really...something else haha.)

Anyways, beside the awful social time..the food was pretty good. I ordered some kind of fish..but the serving was so small, I was still starving after the dinner We had to stop and get fast food on the way home because I'm greedy like that LOL. I tried to sneak a picture of the food (no one else was taking pics of their food!!!! so it was kind of embarassing to whip out my phone and take a pic like a peasant) I got a super close up shot that makes the food look bigger than it was and kinda unappetizing...

Poopy said he felt very awkward too, but I was like WHEN? You charming bastard LOL. He had people laughing and engaging in great conversation. I kind of just sat there besides him, quiet and nibbling on bread like a mouse haha. But it definitely was nice to see him in his element. He's so charming and handsome hehe, I love him very much. Plus seeing him with his dress shirt sleeves rolled up..LMAO. i'm allowed to be cringe and simp over his forearms OKAY?

Anyways a picture of my makeup because I really liked it even though it was kind of simple:

At the end of the night, I was freaking exhausted from the whole ordeal. It felt like it lasted forever and when we got home, I speed-washed my face and then passed out like immediately. I woke up yesterday feeling like a truck hit me...I was like hungover?? From just being around people. LOL. So I stayed home from work for once and got lots of stuff done around the house. I did like 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and dishes, straightened up the living room and bathrooms. It doesn't seem like much probably to a Normal Functioning Adult™ but I hate cleaning and am usually too depressed to do anything but lay around. Poopy has been the one to handle most of the cleaning our entire relationship...but I thought, huh, that wasn't so bad, maybe I can be a stay-at-home wife after all HAHA.

I finally ended up decluttering and cleaning my Playstation shelf. I'm going to tackle my Nintendo & Manga shelf next but I'm currently waiting on some organizational stuff to arrive.

not pictured: my bajillion PS2 games. i might get a bigger desk so i can move my desktop tower on it. right now, it's sitting on the shelf above my PS2 babies.

My other shelf is going to be harder to deal with I think, I have to save some space for my WOTAKOI box set that arrives next year(?) and reorganize my shoujo manga and anime DVDs. But that is a struggle for another day

Gonna need more space..
-K

December 11 2022;

mood: content | listening to: reflections - toshifumi hinata

This past work week was crazy busy and I was finding myself stressed quite a bit. I'm kind of just...tired. Not unhappy by any means, but I think I need a break from the office. Good thing for me I will be taking leave from work soon! I really can't wait. Super looking forward to doing nothing, hehe.

I worked on my vanity this weekend, and I'm almost done! I added some really cute rose appliques to dress it up and match my vibe more. Currently waiting for the wood glue to cure and dry and then I will be hitting the whole thing with a coat of paint because I had trouble with not getting excess glue everywhere...

Turned out pretty cute!! Though on one of the drawers, the applique is higher and slightly crooked...but I'll try to ignore it otherwise I will go nuts lol. Poopy said it wasn't noticable but I know he's being nice because he's even more eagle-eyed than I am when it comes to that kind of stuff

This week I have to come up with a dinner plan and prep for a Christmas Eve dinner with my in-laws. To be very honest, I'm really not looking forward to it....not that I don't like them. But I just get so exhausted because they are ALL such chatterboxes! I'm happy they like me but gosh, I guess I'm too introverted. I even get tired talking to my parents sometimes lol. My in-laws are very southern so I'm kind of clueless when it comes to cooking for them. I'm thinking some kind of chicken dish, roasted veggies, and a pie or cake for dessert. Meh. We were hoping to get some catering for the dinner but it's kind of expensive. So cooking it is.

I don't spend much time on social media anymore but I did notice that Art Vs Artist was going around again. I wanted to participate so bad....but I didn't want to post on twitter so I will add it to my diary. I'm looking forward to what art I will do in 2023 and how my style will evolve! This year I did a good mix of pastel art and dark/creepy-cute art. I'm hoping to focus more on world-building, story writing and drawing more meaningful pieces of my OCs in 2023.

I did a lot of pin-ups and glamour shots of new OCs and one-offs. I really want to try and draw a manga or write a novella. Can't wait to see what I can do next year! Some art goals for next year:

• Practice drawing more males. I tried to do a straight month of just drawing males this year and lasted only 3 days LOL
• Work more on my Mea Culpa-verse! I have the stories and everything written out in my head but I gotta get it down on paper. I also want to design the rest of the Fathers.
• Work on making pretty reference sheets. Something I have lots of trouble with because I am so very lazy but I've found some inspiring artists so I want to study their work.
• HAND STUDIES. lol. I hate hands. Why can I draw feet and toes just fine, but hands give me trouble? So weird. Gonna have to add some musculature studies too.
• Speaking of studies, I would really like to study some classic art and some real art technique. Nothing wrong with being an anime artist (obviously) but I would love to have some real depth and proper education when it comes to art. Maybe I will look into taking some art classes if I decide to work part-time or not at all.

I'm very hopeful for next year's art journey. I feel very at peace now that I've officially closed all commissions. I'm unsure if I will regret it later..my sister and Poopy were both very surprised. I guess they got used to me drawing commissions all the time. But that was part of the problem, I was losing my love and happiness with what started as just a hobby. I want to fall deeply in love with drawing again, so I'm taking my pen back just for MY use. I'm currently working on an art trade with a friend and it's making me happy because it's fun art, and a character that is so cute to me--so it doesn't feel like work! Admittedly, I am a little slow this time for just a chibi (long hours at the office...) but my attitude towards drawing right now is so nice. It doesn't feel like a chore.

Can't wait to doodle tomorrow!
-K

December 05 2022;

mood: cramping | listening to: LAZY DANCE (Non Stop Mix ver.) - yoko oginome

This weekend was okay. I went shopping with mom and Poopy. It was fine...kind of fun. I was surprised I didn't get into any disagreements with my mom LOL. Guess we were both on our best behavior. I honestly wanted to spend the day buying gifts for everyone....but I ended up buying myself stuff instead

We stopped by the weeb shop at the mall. My mom was laughing at me because she said she never sees me excited unless I'm surrounded by nerdy stuff haha. It just makes me happy to be surrounded by media that I love..I was of course, seduced by the gachapon (as always!!)

I wanted to do multiple draws of the Sailor Moon and Gengar ones...but I settled for one each. I kinda want to go back and go the Gengar one again though, because that is one of my favorite pokemon ever!

What I got:

I wish I could've bought more but I had to remind myself I was there to shop for everyone else! I was hoping they carried the Spirited Away bento I saw last time so I could get it for my mom but they were sold out T_T

The shopping trip was the only notable thing that happened this weekend though. I spent most of the Saturday evening and Sunday sleeping. I started my period and had horrible cramps (and still have them, yay..) I always feel so wiped out and exhausted during my monthly, it's kind of annoying. Puts a halt to all of my leisure activities planned. I need to follow up with my doctor though so I can get the fibroids removed from my uterus. Apparently that will help the pain and heavy bleeding (and also help me with fertility but idc about that at all lmao)

When I happened to be awake, I spent my time trying out different demos because I want to play a new game!! I'm a little burnt out on the Yakuza series at the moment and I'm itching for something more fantasy adjacent. I tried out:

• Scarlet Nexus: Meh. I did not like the art direction, or the cutscenes. Or the focus on telekinesis in battle (I tried out the female MC, idk if the male uses the same style) I was really hoping to like this one because I had fun playing Code Vein (despite the extreme waifubait in it)
• Harvestella: I liked the style a lot more but I wasn't instantly sucked in. I might go back to this. It seems more RPG-ish than farming simulator so I'm still on the fence.
• Blue Reflection: Second Light : I played the first game and really enjoyed the magical girl story, focus on female friendships, visuals, music, and the gameplay but I was really turned off by the fact that it was moé for men. Do you know what I mean? The girls were so pretty and cute and I love the theme of the bonds of friendship, and helping eachother in times of need BUT idk. It was male-gazey in a "soft" way. I can't really explain it but it's the same way I feel about men and K-ON. Anyways, I really want to play this sequel so I might suck it up and ignore that stuff but I'm going to try and find a used copy because I am NOT paying $60usd for an experience that might annoy me
• VALKRYIE ELYSIUM: so. I have always loved the Valkyrie Profile games..and I understand some of the ~purist's~ viewpoints about the gameplay being turned into an action style rpg but this is the demo I had the most fun playing!!!! I spent almost 3 hrs in it. I have always adored the art direction in these games and VE is no different. I love a feMC that can be beautiful and strong while elegant and not sexualized. Plus the two einherjar you got in the demo were cute males LOL and I want some eyecandy too u_u I'm leaning strongly towards buying this one, even at full price.

After playing all the demos and succumbing to boredness, I ended up restarting Rune Factory 4 because I've been in the mood for some relaxing and cute fun. I ditched the save where I married that cat guy (I forgot his name) because I did NOT put in the work to feed that idiot a big fish every day just for him to say "I love you" maybe once an in-game year. Naaaur. So this run, I'm going to marry that cute deredere butler that wants to call you princess from the get-go

gonna be thinking about harvesting turnips all day
-K

December 02 2022;

mood: anxious | listening to: therefore you and me (slow & reverbed) - eve

I meant to write about my Thanksgiving holiday with my family last week but I was so tired and honestly, I just forgot. It was a good dinner as usual though! My mom said she wouldn't cook so much because of it just being the four of us this year...but as usual, she made way too much food! Not that I helped hehe, I brought some stuff over for once too. I made deviled eggs (always requested by my parents for some reason, I think the ones I make are just okay and I hate cooking so much, so I don't care about perfecting the recipe lol) and I made a sugar free cherry cheese cake pudding for my mom's dietary needs. Turned out really good! Sadly no pictures though because I was too excited to eat

I didn't do any shopping though for Black Friday because I was one of the few people that had to work in the office. That's okay because there were NO good sales anyways..Even Cyber Monday sucked. I'm going to the next city over tomorrow with Poopy and my mom to go shopping at the huge mall they have there. I really don't want to go but I felt bad that my mom's Black Friday tradition was broken this year because my sister couldn't travel home for it. I think it's going to be an annoying day ngl...I hate crowds and loud noises, I know it's just going to be crazy tomorrow. But I'll suck it up and try to keep my mood mellow. I'm hoping to find some cute gacha and other things to buy for my friend Nonnie. I've been working on her gift box for a little bit and I hope to top the one I sent her in July!! I love talking to her so much...my wonderful Nonnie!! It will be a year that we've become friends in April..I'm happy that I posted to the friend finder. She really does make my heart full. I love connecting with other women online who share similar views and hobbies with me. Makes me feel a little less alone. I think there's a very different and special kind of loneliness for people with partners but no irl friends LOL.

I've been told before that being lonely when having a partner is stupid but I don't know...Reading messages and posts from other women who express the same thoughts and feelings..it just seems like such a REAL thing but I'm not eloquent enough to really explain it. I do have online friendships and acquaintances to help fill the void but sometimes it's just not enough, y'know? Not saying that Poopy doesn't fulfill me but there are parts of me that can only be filled by having that ~elusive~ feminine bond.

ANYWAYS speaking of online friends. It's that time of the year!! Spotify Unwrapped. YAHOO! I love this time because it's so fun in the group chat sharing and comparing our results. My results this year didn't surprise me too much. I've been listening to a lot of indie pop adjacent music and songs with strong beats while I drew this year. Here are some screenies of my Wrapped:

We were also talking about the "mood" page on this year's Wrapped. This comment from one of my friends made me laugh because when I first saw that page of the Wrapped I had NO clue what it meant.

But after that comment, I was like OH! That actually makes sense. In the morning I'm at the office, in the afternoon I listen to lo-fi to mellow out my bad mood after dealing with idiots all day, and then at night, I go crazy drawing lmao

When I first started writing this diary entry out I was feeling SO stressed and anxious but now I'm feeling better after looking back at the Spotify stuff lol! What I initially wanted to write about was the stress I was having over being Poopy's +1 to a Christmas dinner. It's a dinner for all the Regional Directors in his company...and he has to go now that he's got the promotion. I'm so very proud of him and all the hardwork over the years to finally "make it" but I can't help but feel a little bummed about the lifestyle change I feel that's incoming. I think it's probably tone deaf and stupid to complain about "oh no! idk what to wear to a dinner party with a bunch of 6 figure salary suits" because of all the inflation with groceries and stuff so I will just tuck away my woes in this lil stupid online journal. I just feel like I'm supposed to look a certain way as a ~wife~ of one of the higher ups in his company (i.e. white, blonde, skinny, not heavily tattooed because of the beauty standards of the city I live in) and it's making me feel garbage and weird...I'm trying to fight off these evil thoughts because these people probably don't care about me or what I look like, but I am still scarred after a life of being "othered" as a mixed kid not being asian enough or black enough for either side. LOL I really need to go to therapy HAHA

My mind went on this stupid crazy spiral because it all just started with me pondering about what the hell I'm supposed to wear to this thing!! Even as an adult, I still carry that feeling of "not fitting in" and it's so cringe...I thought I would be cool and confident by now. Ultimately, I'm happy with my hobbies and interests and tastes in certain things but I still carry those thoughts of being judged. It's dumb. I hate that I still feel like this after something as silly as being excluded in school so many years ago. I keep joking about therapy but I should really do it......

guess that's something to think about
-K

November 21 2022;

mood: tired | listening to: UGLY - the GazettE

It has been SO cold lately!! My poor nose hurts from all the sniffling and kleenex-wiping. It usually doesn't get so cold down here. I actually really enjoy it because I can wear my kigu around the house in comfort but at the same time it's kind of alarming because of all the weird weather we've been having for the past year or so..which I really think is a result of global warming, but I have not researched much into it so I don't wanna say that's what it is outright. Nothing more embarassing than talking about something you don't know about lol. I wish more people had that attitude online and irl because you can absolutely tell when someone is talking out of their ass and the only research they've done is whatever post they've seen from Twitter or Facebook. Speaking of Facebook, we got a new person in the office and he had the gall to tell me that he tried looking me up on Facebook but couldn't find me. Which I guess is normal for the social climate and social media obssessed people of our time but IDK. It felt weird and invasive because prior to that conversation I have never said a word to this person. Jokes on you though bud! I haven't had a Facebook for years because of nosey people like you

Anyways, this weekend was relaxing and Poopy thought it was best that I take it easy because of how busy my work is going to be. He surprised me by buying us our first christmas tree!! I was over the moon. I just thought it was a very sweet gesture, and as usual I wanted to cry LOL. We spent most of Saturday shopping for ornaments, putting the tree together, and decorating. I was just so very happy, and I told him so. He thought it was funny that I said he doused my brain worms with pesticide but it's true! I don't want to sound cringe or anything, but my dear husband means so much to me Speaking of husbands though, I cannot say how much I love the fact that I've connected with or even just surfed the personal websites of other young 20s+ women with husbands on Neocities LOL. It makes me warm and fuzzy to know that I'm not alone on the internet, in the sea of kids who think once you pass 18, your only interests should be taxes and politics lmfao. I truly enjoy seeing the nerdy shrines and interests of other women like me!

Back to the Christmas stuff talk, we decorated early because of how busy it will be for us. Poopy is starting his Regional Director position soon and will be traveling a lot. I don't want to sound ungrateful because the money is crazy good but I'm gonna be kind of lonely having the whole house to myself (& Koya) most of the time. I just don't do very well being alone with my thoughts for too long...But I'll suck it up and stay strong, because he's working so hard to provide for us and our future. He had brought up me being a Stay At Home Wife, and while it does sound appealing (not having to deal with office politics and boomer MAGA dummies at work..) I think I would go crazy just staying home all the time. I like having a schedule and routine...plus feeling useful and productive. We will probably revisit that conversation some time next year, I think.

He had also asked me if I wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a tattoo artist. I'm not so sure anymore...I think it would be amazing but my anxiety has gotten so bad the past few years that just the thought of starting something new makes my stomach hurt, haha. I very much suffer from being content in my complacency. Plus, I'm not sure if the repetitive motions will be good on my hands because of my autoimmune disease but huh. Who knows. I draw anyways in my free time so I'm not even sure if it'll be that different. I don't even really want to think about the whole thing though honestly because I really hate change

Anyways..the cozy holiday vibes of our living room makes me so happy! I don't really care about the Christmas holiday itself, but there's just something about the season I really enjoy. I showed my dad a picture of my living room and all he had to say was "isn't it early, thxgiving hasn't even passed" like man IDC about Thanksgiving lmao!! Let me enjoy all the twinkling lights and holiday scented candles rn n_n I rambled long enough about nothing and don't have anything else on my mind so I guess I will end this entry here and check my work emails now ;_;

happy monday!
-K

November 14 2022;

mood: good | listening to: melting waltz - abel korzeniowski

Gosh I am writing an awful lot lately! I think it's because I've nearly cut my social media time down to zero, so I'm left with a lot of time to do the things I really enjoyed as a teen heh. Thinking on that, I really wish I hadn't nuked my Xanga and LiveJournal from highschool. I would LOVE to go back and read all the cringe that I had to express. My old usernames used to be xXbrighteyesXx and khaotickiki LMFAO! I think it's really funny and (almost) endearing that kids nowadays are into "scenecore"/"emo" aesthetics because half the time they get it wrong! Hah. I wonder if that's how adults felt when I was a teenager when certain 80s aesthetics came back into style.

This weekend was okay. I didn't get much drawing done..in fact, I really can't remember what I've done the past three days besides going to the weekly movie night at my parent's house and watching the new Hellraiser. (Which I found kind of boring, honestly. However, I was surprised that I got so squicked out by the gore? Very unusual for me as someone that grew up on shock sites and 4chan. But, I've read about others who also grew up surfing those sites that have also gotten more sensitive to "realistic" gore as they aged. Very curious about the reason/psychology behind that. If anyone knows, please do tell me! :3)

Anyway, my mood was kind of down again. I told Poopy that the brainworms were infesting my head again so we took Koya out to the pier! It really cleared my mind...made me happy. And I got to watch her lil chonky self try to run after the pigeons (so very cute!) It was pretty cold, so we tried to warm up with hot chais from the donut place around the corner...but it didn't work. It was a lovely day though! ♥ (I am so tempted to be like please excuse my nails in the last picture :o( but why should I, right? I'm working on not apologizing or feeling bad about being in my natural state!!)

It was mail day yesterday! So the last couple of things I ordered for my art room arrived. I'm thinking that for now it will be the last of my purchases for a long while for that room, but I also feel like it's always going to be a work in progress because of how indecisive I am. What arrived: the pink ceramic heart knobs I ordered to replace the wooden round ones on my vanity, a kuromi keycap for my escape key, cherub curtain tiebacks, the chandelier, and a random little lantern. And while I am SO happy with my purchases...I can't help but think that I am a bit of a consoomer....I want to try and make more mindful purchases from now on. I think that will be something I work towards in 2023.

Anywho, a pic dump of everything + room updates:

The little bit of drawing I was able to do was pretty sucessful though, I think. I was finally able to get the design down for my little fly demon, named Amelia! She's a pilot and I wanted her goggles to resemble fly eyes. She's a tinkerer and scrounges around people's garbage to find stuff she can use for her inventions. I was aiming for a bit of a retro, 90/00s-ish vibe so hopefully that came through!

Hoping that I can keep the creative juices flowing and work some more on my OCs and the site! I have lots of things I would like to get back to (since I fell off the productivity wagon nearly a month ago) including: a healthier diet, using my treadmill, and being more active in my discord communities! Trying very, very hard to keep positive and busy, as I don't want to sink into a funk again.

wish me luck!
-K

November 8 2022;

mood: annoyed | listening to: under giant trees - agnes obel

Sooooo the curtains arrived so fast? We got them put up last night and OMG! I love the result. I'm so thrilled!

On a more...serious (?) note, I find myself super agitated today. Granted, I started my period..RIGHT AFTER recovering from the flu so it's like..why are you beating my ass, body? HUH!? My mood in the last 24 hours has also been wonky. My monthly uber-depression strikes again..I always feel so lonely and friendless on my period, but then when the week passes I'm back to being my socially-avoidant, introverted self lmao! ANYWAYS the whole reason I wanted to write today is to get some stuff off my chest because I am just so irritated!!

I grow SO tired of males...even the ones in one of my discord friend circles. Everything has to end up in lewd jokes and coomer antics and I can't stand it. LIKE HOW DOES A PICTURE OF MY HOBBY ROOM END UP IN GROSS THIRSTY REMARKS???? I am so tired of the male gaze!! I'm tired of them pornify-ing everything!! Sometimes I hate being a woman because I am constantly reminded that males will view us as meat. Limbs to pick apart and fetishize. Features to bastardize and obssess over in perverted and sick ways. It makes me ill because I feel like even the nicest and politest of men will do it too. It makes me anxious to be perceived by men...Last week, I walked into the breakroom at work to grab a snack from the vending machine and a bunch of males that work in a different department were sitting at the tables, so I just turned around and walked out. Like, I would rather starve than be near a bunch of them...This makes me sound crazy, probably. I should definitely go to therapy and process my past ~traumas~ but I'm scared of therapy (sounds silly huh?)

Like idk, I'm not really bothered by the female gaze, or sexuality...female nsfw artists, etc. But I just feel like there is something so sinister behind male sexuality LOL but I think that 1000% has to do with me and my past experiences. Anyways, this rant is kinda nonsensical but I feel better getting it off of my chest so I guess now I can get back to what I was doing.

back to work!
-K

November 07 2022;

mood: calm | listening to: heir encore - charles aznavour

Finally! Got over the flu. It was so miserable, I'm glad I'm almost 100% better. Right now I'm still dealing with the residual cough and post-nasal drip (gross!!) but I'm glad my energy levels are coming back. I can't wait to get back to drawing and working on the things I like without feeling winded. This weekend was filled with naps and housework. I ended up getting really tired and not being able to organize my video games and bookshelves like I wanted to, but I was able to put out my new rug in my hobby room! After seeing it down, it really added the missing factor that was bothering me but...I still need to get curtains!! I was driving myself nuts with what color to choose, because my room is admittedly..very eclectic. Someone described the aesthetic as Cute!Cruella, which made me laugh but it's probably true?? I really didn't stick to a theme so it's kind of chaotic but it also really works (in my opinion lol! I'm sure there are people out there that would find it tacky and offensive to the eyes haha!) I really just wanted to mix the things I love--kawaii, vintage/antiques, and patterns! I asked Poopy, my sister, my internet friends and even r/femalelivingspaces on reddit (ick but I was desperate LOL) about which curtain color to go with. The most picked choice was pink, but I felt like that might have been too much? I feel like there needs to be some sort on contrast.

Anyways, I ended up making a very sloppily made and edited collage on my phone:

and I STILL couldn't decide. I really did like the black and white vertical stripes but Poopy didn't like it much (so I was second guessing myself ofc..) I ended up choosing my sister's choice of lavender/lilac. The curtains arrive this week so I will put them up and hopefully love them! If not..I'll just return them and try again. I plan on replacing that boob light with a small and cute chandelier. Updates on that soon (maybe!) Honestly, I'm rushing to get the house ready because my sister will be coming home and spending the Christmas holidays with the family so I really want her to like my house!

We ended up finishing the dining room yesterday. (Well, almost. I would still like to thrift a few vintage brass frames for a few of the pictures on the wall..) We replaced the modern chandelier we had with this more traditional one. It's black and brass and I am just so thrilled with the result!!! Poopy put up and painted the chair rails on the wall which really finished the room. This week we will be finishing up adding the rest of the box molding on the walls in the living room and foyer. It's a lot of fun and feels so ~adult~ working on your home with DIY projects and decorating! A little expensive too, but I'm becoming so happy in our spaces, it's worth it.

I just often laugh at the contrast of the vibe of the rest of the house, kind of "light academia" in the entertaining areas and "dark academia" in the library, master bedroom and (soon-to-be) armory but then BAM! My hobby room is like kawaii vomit and weebshit all condensed and packed into one space. But I'm glad to have my own area where I can be weird.

what a good weekend!
-K

November 2 2022;

mood: sick | listening to: time - shoji meguro

October was a fairly quiet and unproductive month..It was good to have a break but sometimes I can't tell if I was just resting or if I have fallen back into a bit of a depressive spell? I did not do a lot of personal art or anything I had planned on, really. I wanted to do my own spin on Inktober (lovingly called Pinktober haha!) I was really excited to do some cute creepy and pink art, but I just fell off the wagon hard. I still have a couple of trades and commissions I'm trying to work on, and I do feel bad that it's taking me so long but I just can't force myself to draw when I'm not feeling it. I think I've come to the conclusion that I...just simply don't enjoy drawing 90% of people's OCs, honestly. I think it mostly has to do with me being spineless or feeling bad when I have to turn someone down, so I accept anything even if the aesthetic is the polar opposite of what I like drawing. After I've finished this batch, I think I will close my commissions indefinitely..or maybe just start being very choosy about what I want to do. I feel lucky and blessed that I am at a point in my life where I don't have to use my art as a side hustle for once. It feels good! I'm hoping that I can just spend my time drawing what I like and doing trades with other artists for fun.

At the end of the month, Mom wanted to celebrate her birthday by going to some ~luxury~ casino a few states away. It was fine for the most part, I enjoyed the food and the sights but I just really don't enjoy gambling. So I didn't spend any money on slots or anything (it's a waste of time and money!!) and just loitered around the different floors of the resort and got to take in a lot of the neat interior design. It made me miss my old job designing sales floors and stuff, but I'm ultimately more comfy where I am now (though I did gain some of the dreaded desk-job weight :o( ) Anyways, we went to a popular brasserie known for their GIANT desserts..and..it was just okay. The atmosphere was cute and ritzy, the music much too loud, the people fun and friendly. I wished my sister was able to join us, though her job and distance from us makes it kind of impossible. We had a banana split that was enough to feed an entire family, even though on the menu it said the serving was for 2. Even split between 3 people, we have over half the sundae left. I felt kind of bad leaving it (I hate wasting food!) but I'm glad my mom got to experience something off of her bucket list.

Earlier this month we took Koya (our adopted senior pup!) to the vet to refill her hypothryoidism medication, and got her weighed on their scale..I was really disappointed it said she gained weight, though we've been walking her daily and feeding her specialized dog food. On our home scale, it says she lost weight plus, she just looks visibly slimmer! And Poopy told me that she feels quite a bit lighter when he has to carry her...and she's started to jump on and off our couches, which she never did when she looked a bit fatter. I think the vet's office just needs to recalibrate their scale. I don't know why I'm fixated on this enough to write about it, but my anxiety makes me do silly things and has me going in thought-circles...I guess I just needed to write all this down!

I'm hoping November will be a better month for me art-wise. I don't think we have much going on as my sister won't be able to make it down for Thanksgiving. Makes me a bit sad I won't have anyone to binge watch the latest shonen anime with but at least she will be coming home in December during the time I'm taking leave from work! It'll be the first time in years that we will get to spend Christmas and New Years together since she got married and whisked away up north!!!

hoping today is a good day!
-K