job hunting is not for the weak

---

i hate job hunting so much. i hate the process. updating my résumé just to fill out a stupid application asking questions that would be answered if these people bothered to read the résumé. i hate interviewing and trying to sell myself. i don't know why but i find the whole thing humiliating!!! i always feel so embarrassed doing it. having to dress up and put on a show. i have to wear makeup but not too much, my outfit has to be profressional but not too trendy but not too dowdy either. ugh. im totally dreading this one coming up on thursday. i had one a few weeks ago and thought i aced it...but apparently not hahaha. or maybe i'm too impatient! i was hoping the new job thing would go quickly and smoothly and that i would never have to interview ever again LOL. my anxiety and general discomfort with socializing makes these things so hard. i definitely wonder if i'm broken in some kind of way. i hate that i'm starting to feel so negative about this when just a few weeks ago i was pretty positive and hopeful.

anyways, i am 1000% over my current employer. it makes it hard to stay focused on work when i can see a (dimming) light at the end of the tunnel. but i also wonder if i'm fooling myself by thinking there is a way out. i've spent so many years here that my résumé looks bad. i have no other skills except for what i currently do. i know there is no age limit on education but i definitely feel like i'm too old now to go back to uni. i'm mad at my younger self for not going back and finishing the RN program. at the same time, i'm trying not to blame myself or feel like a failure because if a friend went through the same traumatic situation, i would be endlessly supportive. it's hard sometimes being your own friend. but i gotta try and remember to treat myself the way i would treat someone i love. i can do it. i can.

the rise of AI makes me more and more nervous each day.... in my line of work, it's only a matter of time before actual people aren't needed. already the jobs in this field are being outsourced to overseas places like india and china. the only skillset i have is in database management and i can feel it in my bones that sooner than later, i'll be made obsolete....i lucked out getting this job years ago because the hiring manager liked me, but most importantly the GM at the time knew my dad 🙃 i have no formal education or degree in this stuff so finding a job that will allow me a lateral move is practically impossible. most places preach that experience is the most important thing they want to see, but i know that they want to see that shiny degree most of all. i also feel dumb for wanting to leave my current job, it's cushy, easy and with decent pay.. but i'm so incredibly unhappy and stressed with this place since HQ management got restructured earlier this year that i've been getting vertigo spells for months. noooot good.

i keep finding myself daydreaming about going back to my old hikikomori lifestyle but i don't want to be reliant on anyone else. my mom didn't immigrate for me to rot at home. she didn't work hard and spend blood, sweat, and tears for it to all be a waste. just like a tiktok i saw this morning said: "the women in my bloodline gave up their talents for me to be born. make them proud." i feel like (actually i know that i am) a privileged bastard, whining so much when i genuinely have a good life. good opportunities. i just gottta push myself and try. a big dream of mine is to help subsidize a comfortable retirement for my parents. i'll keep that in mind and continue moving forward. i'm gonna suck up my discomfort and whineyness after i post this diary entry and keep on keeping on.

K

Home Sweet Home

---

I've been back from my trip for a few days and I wish I could say that this vacation has me feeling relaxed and recharged but I've been sick as a dog!!! Bedridden with covid. It's been an exhausting and painful ordeal, honestly. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but even I was no match for the throat pain ;_; I'm feeling better now though, and I'm hoping this lingering cough won't stay too long. Totally dreading going back to the office tomorrow however I've made some progress with the new job search so I'm trying to stay happy and hopeful!

Anyways, the trip up was fun for the most part. I got to try lots of different food (most of which I didn't like but that's okay! I still love trying new things.) We went to a theme park that was very, very cute. It was based on different holidays. My favorite parts where the Halloween town that had some fun rides and the Christmas town which was filled with shopping and lots of sweets and cakes! While I was there, I was thinking about taking pictures but decided against it as I ultimately wanted to enjoy my time there with Poopy and his family. On another day, we went to a state park that had a pretty big lake and lovely scenery. While the nephews were out swimming in the lake, we were setting up for a cookout..got the grill fired up...only for it to immediately start raining and drenching us LOL. When I think about it, almost everything on that trip went wrong haha. We will just have to go back some time next year and make up for it!

^{1, 2}: Koya enjoyed walking around the hotel's riverside park. I was glad we got to take her on the trip.
^{3, 4}:Our hotel room view! We were located in the best spot, we got to see each sunset and sunrise over the river. I really liked peeking out and seeing the lit bridge at night.

K

It's been a while!

---

It's been forever since I've written a diary entry! A lot has changed. A lot has remained the same. Best update: I've been doing so much better mentally since the last time I wrote. I uninstalled Discord from my phone for a while and accessed it from the web broswer app here and there. The time I took being away from it was nice. Not that I don't care about my Discord friends and such, but it is extremely exhausting to be reachable 24/7. I stepped away from pretty much all of my social media, Neocities included (because let's be real, it's more of the same if you use the profile/feed), as I'm sure you've noticed as I frequently disabled and enabled profile comments as I updated here and there.

I've been focusing on drawing and creating, stepping away from the things I don't care about, cleaning up who I follow and what content creators I consume. It's been nice. I've been volunteering and donating at animal and women's shelters more since I had more time away from the internet. Making moves into a new career (shoutout to the based women I talked to months ago about education/jobs that gave me the confidence to finally pursue the change!!) But like any millennial raised on Neopets and Gaia Online, the internet's siren song is hard to resist LOL.

I am beginning the process of stepping away from places like Toyhouse and Sheezy/Deviant Art for posting my OCs, art, and writing because I would like all of my stuff to be in a centralized location: my own website. It'll be a slow process but I've been working on it! Will my reach be considerably less? Yes. But I' fine with that, as long as I enjoy what I'm doing then it's all good! Besides, most online spaces are unbearably annoying (Is it necessary to make a callout PSA about a user that has serial killer ocs and is into real life serial killers/true crime? Is it weird, sure. But why start a harassment campaign? What happened to "Don't Like, Don't Read"? Am I biased because someone is having a shitfit over one of my OCs? maybe lmao but I've never minded transgressive media because I know it's fictional.) With most online spaces becoming increasingly hostile and allergic to media literacy or differences of opinion...I've just realized it's way more of a headache than it's worth!

That being said, I've been thinking for a while about changing hosts (again.) I had a very short time on Teacake but came back because I missed the social aspect of NC but I also couldn't access it on my work computer at the time lol. But with the possibility of a new job on the horizon, I don't think I'd be able to mess around on the internet nearly as much during work hours. Which suits me just fine! Less internet to rot my brain with :') Anyways, I don't know when I will change hosts but it maybe happen by the end of the year. Fingers crossed!

Random Tidbits

In a few weeks, I'll be taking some time off and travelling! Nowhere too exciting, but it'll be a nice break from work. We were also going to go to ATL to see some bands but the event got cancelled. Boo. I'm planning on overhauling my wardrobe (again) by adding some nice officewear to the mix for the new job soon. I'm going to do my best to make -real life- friends at the new place! I'm taking some self defense classes. I'm learning to bake! I've done or planned a lot of different things and I'm really liking the woman I am. Remember to take your time and always be kind to yourself! 🤍

K

Down, down, down...

---

CW: death

Ah, I wish I had a nicer and happier entry to write today but I'm just tired. From everything...stuff as silly as fandom and online spaces, to work and the daily grind, to unavoidable happenings in life. It's so funny how yesterday afternoon, I told my partner: "Hey, I think I might be getting better." Only to get a phone call not too much later from my mom. She had bad news to share and the only thing I can really do right now is just...wallow. I hate when I feel like I'm helpless. I hate hearing my mom cry. "But what about my dreams?" She asked and it broke my heart. I feel like no one around me can truly understand how hard it is being the oldest daughter of an immigrant, let alone even fathom how hard it is for an immigrant to live so far away...far away from their home, their family, their previous lives...sure their future prospects were bright, but how are you supposed to feel when it was your choice to move away from everything that you love, that is in your blood, that makes you you? She told me that she still feels so guilty after Grandpa's death, because she wasn't able to be there. Would it be any different for my uncle now, if she was home? Could she have prevented anything? Would she be able to hold his hands while he's still warm, alive, and breathing? I told her to try not to think about that. What else could I say?

We all make our own choices, but when it comes down to it, I feel guilty too. My mother only moved to the US to give me a brighter future. I was just a little bundle of cells in her belly when she made the choice to completely change her life and future and leave everything behind. If it weren't for me, would Grandpa still be alive and well? Would my uncle have gotten the care he deserved and come out illness-free? Hearty and healthy and laughing like he always was in my memories? I know. It's a selfish to turn this whole thing into a self-pity party while my uncle is on his deathbed and my mom is crying her eyes out.

It all just really hurts. My uncle always told me that I was his favorite niece, but what does that mean if I can't be there? I know my work would let me take bereavement leave, but a flight to JP is so expensive...my dad won't be able to go either, but he will be paying for Mom's ticket home. I wish I could go so she wouldn't be alone, but I can at least take solace in the fact that my aunt will be able to go, too. My husband and I are going to give dad some money to help ease the expenses, too. Altogether, all the costs of the recent medical care have been about $33,000 USD. Isn't that crazy? Our lives—whether we live or die in comfort, in peace, in the arms of family—it all has a price tag. How fucking grim.

The longer I live, the more and more I realize and know that deeply, life isn't fair. Life is short. Love who you can, when you can, how you can because in the end life isn't fair. We all die, we grow old, ugly, sick, and then what? I don't know. I don't know-I'm rambling and feeling awful and I'm trying to process this all and get it all out of my head. I want to scream and cry and have a shoulder to lean on but I won't. I'm going to do what I always do and take these feelings, lock them away deep in my heart, and throw away the key. I'm going to plaster on a smile, and try to be the strength that my family so desperately needs right now. It's the least I can do.

K

I cut my hair.

---

When someone brings up a haircut, it's usually something mundane...or a planned changed. Something to keep themselves appearing tidy or maybe an attempt to spice things up. For me, I've never really willingly wanted to cut my hair. I can count on one hand the times I've chopped my bum-length hair into a chin-length bob. One time was for basic training and I cried the entire time in the barber's chair. The other few times have been during extreme mental lows, when I wanted to do worse, but settled on impulsively cutting it with a pair of shitty scissors. I don't even know why I'm so attached to my hair. Maybe God knows, or hell even the Devil himself. It's my security blanket for some reason and it's something I've always gotten complimented on...I guess maybe it's a way to make myself "ugly" and reflect how I feel on the outside when I'm feeling low.

It's funny looking back, a few diary entries ago I was feeling good! Great, even. Very excited to do my best and feel my best this year. I ignored the oncoming signs and tried to fight through a lot of the darkness that has been hanging over my head for the past few weeks. Surprise, surprise, a short vacation and spending some money can't fix the constant ups-and-downs of my moods. It's really frustrating and it's hard. I've written and deleted this entry a few times already. I hate being open and vulnerable. I hate it. I don't want to show my weakness and sadness to strangers, let alone face it myself. I don't like seeing that part of me. A lifelong struggle...something I will fight with for the rest of my life. I told my husband that I'm tired. I don't want to do this for the next 50 years of my life.

But I've gotta try, right? I've got to get back up, dust my knees off, and keep going. Sometimes I'm scared I'm too weak...I mean, I cut my hair. But this time, I stopped at giving myself a fringe. Put the scissors down. And I made some tea, and sat down in my room, and took a breath.

It all sounds so silly. It is silly, I guess. But I'm gonna keep trying.

K

Refreshed & Recharged

---

Ah, Spring is almost here! It's been so sunny and lovely——a sharp contrast to how I've been feeling lately, truthfully. I was a bit down and overwhelmed with quite a few things, and I had written quite the heartfelt (and sad) diary entry about it a couple weeks ago but after typing out my feelings, I felt a tiny bit better and decided to delete it without posting. Anyways, Poopy did pick up on my mood being off so he took me on a little trip! We went up to Atlanta and spent some time up there visiting with family and seeing some sights.

We spent a day shopping and visiting the aquarium. He knows how much I love aquariums so it was one of the first places we went. It was soooo crowded (enough to make me cranky for a bit tbh) but I quickly got used to it and enjoyed seeing all the animals. Jellyfish are my favorite sea creature so I was a little disappointed that there were only 3 types of jellyfish on display. It was fun but I expressed that I wasn't too impressed with the Georgia Aquarium (the design was circular? There was like a central "hub" and no organic flow of traffic or exhibitions.) But! We made plans to visit another aquarium in another state in April or May. He even suggested that I make a page with photos and a ranking of all the aquariums we visit. I thought it was a cute idea, so I may do that when I gather some old and new pictures together!

---

Valentine's Day 💞

I don't think it would surprise anyone if I were to tell them that one of my favorite holidays is Valentine's Day! Yes, I know it's a consumer holiday but the aesthetics and lovey feeling of the beginning of February leading up to V-day always gets me. Even in elementary school, my favorite school activity was creating Valentine's cards or going shopping with my mom and choosing whatever Valentine's card set to gift to my friends and classmates.

I had plans to make little e-cards for my friends for the holiday this year but they fell through...Work was just simply too busy last month, and then I spent a lot of time away from home this month on vacay, so it just didn't happen. (So please, accept my very late digital love vibes!! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)) I hope I can do something next year!

Poopy and I are celebrating late (tonight, actually!) He made reservations at my favorite restaurant so we will be going there for dinner. I hope I can eat enough but with the dosage of my meds going up, I'm just never hungry or I'm feeling sick/nauseous TvT As far as presents...well the trip was a part of my gift, as well as a lovely bouquet, and some very cute bright red Guess slingbacks! I didn't get him anything o(*￣▽￣*)ブ but I'll make it up to him soon (worst wife award looool.)

---

Anyways, after that much needed break away from work, people, and the internet, I am feeling good! Refreshed and ready to draw, create, and socialize again ^_^ I've already started some personal work (drawing on the road is always challenging for me!) and soon I need to get back to working on finishing up the art trades I have lined up. I also really need to write back to everyone that has written me in the past few weeks and months. I'm working on it!! But communicating with friends is always the first thing to get ignored on my list of things to do when I'm not feeling well -w- I always feel guilty about it but I just don't always have the energy to do everything I want to do...

I feel like since I've been on a break, I've missed a lot of what my friends have been up to, so I'd really like to catch up but I will probably save that for tomorrow after I get some much needed rest!

K

#Girlbossing, but in anxiety..

---

My tummy is tied up in knots! There are a couple of reasons why I'm so nervous. Firstly, in a few days I'm finally going to see a ballet! It's put on by The State Ballet Theatre of Ukraine. I'm so excited, so why am I nervous? I have NO idea! Good or bad, I always get anxious when I'm doing something new...it's quite annoying and it's something I've been working on for the past year or two. Slowly, it's getting better and not as much of a hindrance to my life but sometimes it just really kicks me in the back of the head o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

Secondly, there's a Women in Leadership conference coming up in a few weeks...and my boss asked me to speak at it. I HATE public speaking so, so much. I wonder how I was able to be in Drama Club in high school and act in plays and such, but I think it's because I was donning a role. Basically, a suit of armor. What, you think I'm cringe? No, it's not me, it's my character!! As I was venting this to Poopy, he said: "Then why don't you treat this the same? Act in that role, and you've got this!" And, he's so right. So I'll suck it up and be brave, and talk my heart out to the room full of hopeful young women about their careers. The thought of being able to help or inspire someone into being That Girl™ at work is a soothing balm to my nervous heart, so I will put on that armor piece by piece and go slay that metaphorical dragon (so sorry about being corny but I love fairytales....😬)

Now, the third thing isn't so lighthearted...but I have a tendency to catastrophize everything...but my mom got her labs back and is being referred to an endocrinologist. My mind is running at a 100mph wondering what could be wrong, but I know it's standard once you get into menopause but my imagination can really come up with some crazy scenarios. Everything will be okay, I'm sure of it. I gotta keep my mind off the (bad) possiblities..

---

Now onto heavy topics.. ☕

I had mentioned in my last diary entry that I wanted to be more active in my community, so I've been looking up what conventions and events are upcoming and wow! I'm surprised at how many things are going on from now into the summer. It's motivating me to start creating some new designs for buttons and stickers for one of the women's fairs. I want to donate all of the proceeds to a new local organization that just recently became active (within the past month or so.) Their goal is to support trafficking victims as well as put pressure onto our local government to hold those responsible accountable.

It was about two or so years ago, but there was big news about a trafficking and CP ring that was being run in my city...and amongst the members were police officers, teachers, DOCTORS!!! I was so angry and upset at the news...I hold that anger in my heart until now. Positions of power and guidance, and you abuse it to do that. Honestly, when I read and hear more and more about what some men can do without any guilt or second thought, it makes me feel more misanthropic than I already am. But I have to have some kind of hope that through the small actions of volunteers and philanthropists, that real change can be made. I'm practically praying for it.

---

Whew, I really don't mean for my diary to be a place about my efforts in outreach and philanthropy, or griping about heavy topics but these are things that are on my mind a lot lately. I recently came back to Tiktok (why can't I quit you????) and was immediately angry LOL. From the lookism, looksmaxxing trends to the nasty comments from men: "where can I pre-order one?"/"i just know it's pink" (🤢🤮) in response to videos of little girls and women...I was pissed. I hate "jokes" of that nature. It's very tiresome being a woman....you see misogyny online, in person, and even from your peers. You get bashed for saying that you love being a woman (omg is that a dogwhistle!?) or refusing to participate in discussion riddled with bad faith questions. I'm just over it. Good thing I keep my social circle pretty small!

On the topic of feminism, I really want to read more serious works and studies. I watched a random YouTube video in which a woman claimed she was not a political feminist, but a philosophical one and it piqued my interest because I am not quite so sure what she meant. I am not one to delve heavily into philosophy, but she mentioned Simone de Beauvoir specifically, so I am planning to go through her works when I can. I know in some circles she's controversial but I also love reading opposing views to my own.

Also! Speaking of reading, there's a really cute bookclub that's been going around. It's funny because I had mentioned to one of my friends before I saw it that I would really like to participate in one someday. I've thought about joining this one but I worry that I won't be consistent with it...I am always so busy, and this year will probably be my busiest yet! Maybe someone should start a lazy girl's book club haha (￣y▽￣)╭ Or maybe a book club that centers around manga and webtoons since that's all I can bother to read for the past few months hahah! I gotta stop rotting my brain with silly stuff but it's just so easy.

K

And just like that, it's 2024..

---

I was wanting to write an entry right after Christmas. In fact, I had planned on doing lots of work for my site while I've been on work leave but obviously none of that got done...I've been enjoying lots of time with my family as well as resting lots and lots. I had an increase in dosage of one of my meds which resulted in me sleeping for most of my staycation! I've been taking hours-long daily naps...so I haven't been super productive. That's okay though, I got a few things knocked off my to-do list anyways (like deep cleaning the house as well as hosting a dinner party!) but it's still hard for me to let go of feeling like I should always be productive and hustling. I have not drawn or written or read anything this break (even fanfiction! who am i!?) but it's been very nice and peaceful. Turning off my brain and just...existing. I stepped away from Discord/chatting too but after the 1st, I will be doing my best to be active and social again. I also need to scroll through my NC feed to see all the updates that I missed while I was pretty much phone-free for 10 days! I am still very behind on all my art obligations but I'll buckle down soon (I have no choice!!)

---

I was truly and utterly spoiled this Christmas. I got one of my dream bags (a Vivienne Westwood Betty! with the matching wallet😭🖤), lots of cute clothes, Doc Marten platform sandals, Jimmy Choo sunglasses and a ton of other things:

Isn't she gorgeous!? I can't wait to use her!

---

Resolutions and Retrospections

Thinking and writing about my resolutions is always hard. I feel like if I write them out...I'm dooming myself to never following through. I hardly ever achieve my NY resolutions because I set really high standards for myself or I fall into depression during the year. I'm very hopeful for 2024 though: I want to continue to improve and stay happy. I think that's my honest to God goal for this new year. I would just like to stay happy! Enjoy my life one day at a time, spend time with my loved ones, and do the things I love to do as well as try new things. I don't want to be afraid to take leaps of faith this year, whether the decisions are about my career or relationships, or things even as silly as hobbies.

It's cheesy but I think my biggest accomplishment of 2023 was just...being happy for most of the year, and staying true to myself. Sure I had some down moments, mostly during the beginning of the year, but I steadily improved. One of the things that helped me a lot was befriending and being around other women, online and IRL. I definitely was more active socially online, and I got to meet a bunch of incredibly creative, smart, and talented women through Neocities and Discord. I was very motivated to keep up with Lovesick, as well as being inspired to revisit old loves like pixel art and yume spaces because of certain friends and mutuals I've made in 2023!

My creative output was a little bit slower, but I truly loved everything I drew and created last year. I dabbled in new creative hobbies like decoden, GKs, and keychain making. This year I hope to learn how to knit, crochet, and sew as I've been inspired by some ladies from NC/Discord that are so talented. I know I've been gushing but I always feel so lucky when I think about the feminine presence in my life, whether it's online or family members like my sister and my mother.

There are a few things I would like to achieve this year, things that are very important to me:

• Be Stay happy!
• Practice secondary language skills. I'd like to converse more with my mom in her mother tongue. It's always fun when we can talk back and forth but my skills are soooo rusty, I would like to be more fluent.
• A materialistic one but I am aiming to buy my mom her dream bag for Mother's Day! A Burberry purse of some kind. I know she will love it but also hate that we will drop a large sum on a purse for her but she deserves it!!
• Do some travelling this year! Mostly stateside. I'd love to see my sister again, as well as go to the Grand Canyon and New Orleans (again)! I really want to go to the aquarium there. We are planning a possible overseas trip, though Poopy would love to go to Europe and I want to go back to Asia n_n
• Be more active in my community. Last year I did a lot of donating and volunteer work for local animal shelters as well as participated in the Women's Fair. (sidenote: I meant to make a dedicated journal entry or site page for my experience and all the merch I made but decided against it because I didn't want to deal with kids misconstruing my intentions 😒 The absolute state of the internet... ) I'd like to do all of that again plus more! I want to participate in a local drive for sanitary products (Because why are tampons $13 a box here? Insane!) and I want to donate to local food pantries. I just believe that it means more to be actually active politically or involved in local/global philanthropy. Sure 88x31s are cute and all, but do they actually do anything? No, besides virtue signal. I made it my goal a couple years back not to be self-satisfied with just hitting the retweet button and calling it a day.

---

In 2023, there was ONE goal that I did reach 100% and that was to get used to drawing on my iPad. It's not really a big deal but I am someone soooo stuck in my ways that I was previously using an obsolete and practically unknown JP art program for years because I was too scared to try anything else. Another one that I (mostly) reached was keeping a clean closet. That also doesn't sound like a hard ask, but I truly hate doing laundry with every fiber of my soul (for the longest time I just threw all my clean clothes on a computer chair unfolded lol) and I also love buying clothes that I wear once because it looked so pretty on the hanger but the second I put it on my body I feel embarassed so I stuff it in the corner of my closet to never see the light of day again! It's wasteful and creates so much clutter...I really didn't buy too many clothes in 2023 but regretfully a lot of them remained unworn because I just couldn't bear to see myself in them. Gotta stop doing that ugh.

As usual, the resolution that I NEVER acheive: lose weight/get hot/start and maintain an active gym routine for health (and vanity) reasons. I've always made this one since I was like 16...10+ years of failing, I finally decided to not even try LOL. I'll be as healthy and as mindful as I can, as my body and my brain allow, but I'm not going to guilt myself back into concerning eating habits. Nuh uh, not this year. I'll just do things that are fun and healthy. My poor kayak has been sitting untouched for about two years so I need to get back on the water! I want to do hikes and nature trails. I used to do a weekly nature trail with my mom but that stopped as I fell into a depression a couple years back so I'm going to reach out and get that started again!

I guess in a nutshell my resolutions are: be happy, make others happy, and stay healthy! Nothing too crazy or out there but I'm pleased with my list. I hope everyone I know, love, and like have a wonderful 2024. May everyone's goals and dreams come true!!

K