Wow! This past week, I've been so busy. Aside from work (which is usually busy anyways. I'm typing this up while I'm at the office right now on a Saturday.... o(￣┰￣*)ゞ), I've had a lot of social and family events. I feel like I haven't been able to rest since the beginning of November but thankfully, I am taking leave from work for the next week and a half!

I've been able to make small site updates here and there, but I'm really looking forward to getting some more OC profiles made and uploaded. I think those are easily my favorite to work on, even though they are wholly self-indulgent (because no one else cares about my dumb OCs but me LOL)

Anyways at the beginning of the week, I had the dreaded regionals holiday dinner to attend with Poopy. It wasn't so bad this year, but I was really bored honestly. I also got to meet some of the new engineers that he manages and before they introduced themselves, I instantly clocked who they were LOL. Engineers and IT guys always have a particular look about them 😂 The dinner was hosted in the ballroom of some 5 star resort, which was gorgeous, but I wasn't too impressed with the food. It was kind of bland honestly but everyone else seemed to really like it. There was an open bar and I only had half of a sangria because of my meds. But that's okay, I don't ever really drink alcohol anyways because I just don't enjoy it too much...unless of course it's moscato or a literal milkshake (╹ڡ╹ ) I didn't get to take any pictures of the building because I was too embarassed (all of Poopy's peers were talking about how they've been to this place multiple times and I didn't want to look like a pleb T_T) and also I was SOOOO distracted by the shapewear I wore underneath my evening gown. GIRL when I tell you it was like an eternal wedgie from hell...the only thing I could actively feel and perceive was the spandex up my ass 😭😭 Not even halfway through the night, I ran off to the restroom and undressed so I could rip it off LOL. I threw it away in the trash there...I almost felt bad because it wasn't cheap but I never wanted to see it again in my life. -9000/10 will never wear one ever again!

Last night we took my mom to a Christmas lights display hosted on a beautiful garden 900 acres large with a historical home on the property. It was gorgeous! I had so much fun, I always feel so happy with my family. My dad couldn't go because his health has not been too good for the past couple of years, I was sad about it but he said he doesn't like that kind of stuff anyways...but still, I love when all of us are together. I think after the holidays, I will take my parents out for a weekend trip to New Orleans.

I didn't take too many pictures because I wanted to enjoy being in the moment! There were so many beautiful displays I didn't snap a pic of but some of my favorites where the Candyland themed section, and the flower garden. So many pretty roses and hyacinths made from lights, plus simulated rain drops falling. It was so gorgeous. There was a s'mores station with a fire pit, hot chocolate stands, and snack carts. It really made the season finally feel like winter for me! We made plans to come back in the spring when the azaleas bloom for tea. I really can't wait!

The house tour was so fun and educational. Everything in the house were all originals (minus the Christmas lights on the trees/staircase.) The antique furniture was so gorgeous and I got lots of inspiration for stuff I want to do with my own home. I've always really loved the look of antique furniture so this was like a dream come true. Our library is off to a great start but man there is so much more we can do. I'd love to have antique styled living room furniture but Koya likes to sleep on our couches so...

Anyways, the tour guides told our group about the owner's lives: The couple that owned the home and land were wealthy because of their part in a company that still exists today! The husband of the home lived alone for 20+ years after his wife died. He was so heartbroken about her death that he never slept in their shared bedroom ever again and took to his office. He never remarried or had kids. He kept the gardens up and public so they could be taken care of and loved by all because the gardens were his wife's passion project and hobby. He had money set aside to this day that pays for the upkeep of the estate. So sad but tragically romantic n_n (I told Poopy that if I die first..that's what I expect of him LOL)

Later today I have to do some shopping for Christmas. I normally don't wait this late to shop for gifts but time has flown by so quickly! Wish me luck in my shopping ventures today...I'll probably edit and add to this entry once my day is over. I've already spent too much time on it when I should be working! 〒▽〒

date:12.04.23

mood: okay currently: trying to focus weather: moderate

This weekend was fun! On Saturday I had a shopping date with my mom. I scored a lot of cute things. I am mostly excited about the Nu Carnival Kuya perfume I got ♥ It was pretty pricey....I don't know if I want to keep it as a display item or use it. I definitely suffer from saving things for special occasions and then never using or wearing them T_T I was sad that Quincy's perfume was sold out but I heard that it smells really manly (like cologne? Something I defintely could see him smelling like hehe) so I'm not too bummed because I would never use it. The store I found it at was a little local hobby/anime shop. It's always full of really cute things like Sanrio (the stuff you'd find overseas), BL and Otome merch, cutesy socks/handbags, and other things that appeal to women. My mom kept asking me what the perfume was from but I told her it's a secret 😭

I was also looking for a new hair straightener since the once I had was like 10 years old (and super crusty ngl lol) so I was sooooo thrilled to find this Chi x Barbie one. It's the perfect color of pastel pink! I also got Koya a new outfit (pink cowboy hat and handkerchief.) You can see a picture of her in it here!

I really love having dates with my mom. We had lunch together too! French onion soup and salads..yum ♥ We talked a bit about family stuff and how she recently reconnected with my aunt after they had a falling out years ago. I'm happy for them. She seems so much happier and at peace now that they are talking again. She brought up that I should possibly reconnect with my cousin but honestly, I'm still kind of mad at how our friendship ended. We were basically raised together and very close throughout our teen years but we had a falling out due to teenage gossip lol T_T I remember constantly trying to reach out to him only for him to make spectacles of stuff on Facebook. This all happened around the time I lost my only friend in a bad way so the whole thing was just enough to make me stay a social hermit until now. It's probably really petty of me because my sister told me he stopped by my parents house on Thanksgiving and waited a while for me to show up (I was running late) but like I just don't have the will to deal with it right now.

Anyways! Sunday was a lazy day where I spent the entire day gaming. I'm not one for online multiplayer but I was having lots of fun doing events in FO76. I only left the house once (￣y▽￣)╭ I meant to do chores and meal prep but well....the wasteland was calling me! :D

Random Stuff:

🎁 Poopy gifted me a Fitbit because I've been talking about trying to move more. Working an office job and having very sedentary hobbies is rough on my health. On average so far, I've found myself taking around 6,500 steps a day when I don't actively try to get up more. It's not as bad as I thought, but still not that healthy I think.

🍊 It's persimmon season!!! One of my favorite fruits. I've been on a fruit kick lately: lots of bananas, grapes, apples. I bought a 5-lb bag of frozen fruit. I'm hoping to make some good smoothies I can stomach for breakfast!

🎀 It's that time of year where I sit down and organize my closet into 'Keep' and 'Donate' piles. I want to take a look at what I have, what I'm comfy in, and what my style goals are for 2024. I find myself caring less and less about that's popular. It's very freeing!

📓 I'm thinking about seriously working on a story I've been doodling on and off for years but I'm still undecided on whether or not I want to pursue the webcomic or game route. Both require very specific skill sets...skills that I have not used in years but with the current political climate, I've been itching to work on it more and more. Basic premise: A horror-adventure story about Girl going through puberty. I really dislike that in 99% of iterations of this trope, the girl is the monster (i.e. Carrie, Jennifer's Body, Ginger Snaps, etc.) when most of us have had the opposite experience, no? While there's nothing wrong with that take, I'm just tired of it. Even as a kid, I didn't like that the transition into womanhood was always metaphorically translated into a story of a horrific monster, even in retaliation of the male gaze or abuse. Fighting against the patriachy, abuse, or sexual trauma doesn't make you a monster. (I aim to portray the Girl as heroic and strong in my story)

ANYWAYS LET ME GET OFF MY SOAPBOX!!!.....So while Girl is changing, the world around her is changing too-- people around her are the ones turning into monsters. I'd like to avoid grimdark edginess though, and keep it poignant and meaningful. If anyone has any book or media recs that might help me creatively or technically...👀

🧨It's time to think up a new diary layout for next year! (Only a few weeks away, eek!) My to-do list for this website just grows longer and longer...and I've barely made progress on it heh..

date:11.28.23

mood: tired currently: falling asleep weather: cold

Do you know that feeling when life is going really good, you get paid a nice big paycheck, all the bills are paid and yet somehow you have some money left over to spend on fun stuff? And then...the dreaded 'Check Engine' light on your car comes on!? 🥴

That's kind of how the entire month of November has been for me. Through the ups and downs of work, my moods,and other things, I've been kind of coasting on that feeling of being kind-of-happy, kind-of-stressed but being ultimately okay. But lordy, I'm just down right now. I've been having some health issues since the summer (well, more than what I already deal with) and my doctor was finally able to squeeze me in for a visit a bit ago. I've just been waiting on the lab results to come back. The wait felt like forever...but I finally got word from my Dr, and the news wasn't good...I am now diagnosed with a second autoimmune diesase, which is really frustrating but also explains the insane amout of fatigue and pain I've been dealing with for months.

I've never wanted to make my identity IRL or online revolve around any of my diagnoses or issues, so I usually keep exactly what I have under wraps because I refuse to use them as some kind of Tragic Badge of Honor. I am also not interested in communities of people that base their entire identities on a laundry list of issues (whether professionally diagnosed or self-dx'ed.) Sidenote: No shade to anyone but that is just my personal preference. I just want to be seen as Me. Does that make sense? I wonder if that makes sense to any other chronically ill girlies out there. I don't want to be So-and-So who has X, Y, and Z. I just want to be lapin/K/[REDACTED], the girl that draws and has a horrible sense of humor and listens to weird music and eats far too many macarons. I don't want to be defined by my health.

ANYWAYS! On to lighter topics. I've been (slowly) making progess on some zine stuff and personal projects, plus playing FO76, though lately I can only do so for about an hour or two at a time before I pass out for a few hours. (I am patiently waiting to adjust to these new meds so I can stay up all night and draw/game/code html again.) I also have made ZERO progress on replying to messages and e-mails so here is my humble apology lol! I will get to it eventually T_T I just logged back into Discord today to see 51 notifcations/@'s...😭🔫

My sister leaves tomorrow...it makes me sad but I'm glad she had the work leave to come down and visit. Thanksgiving was okay, it was fun of course, and the food was delicious but I could only eat so much until I get really nauseated from my medicine. I know it really disappointed my mom :( but I froze some of the leftovers so I can enjoy them later.

I FINALLY got around to watching the Barbie movie with my family (it was my BIL's choice for movie night) and well...what can I say. It was a movie. But really, I don't understand why so many people were upset about it. It was Feminism 101, hamfisted and easily digestible for the women and girls that know nothing about it (which is FINE. In fact, my favorite thing about the whole Barbie craze was all the young girls on social media talking about how they learned so much from it, and finally had a name—the Patriachy™—and a complete understanding for the things that they have experienced. It's easy to forget in my little feminist bubble that a lot of women and girls are uneducated about it.) It was cute though, and I really enjoyed the set design and the costumes!! Everything was so colorful and nostalgic. I also really liked how unapologetically "female-gazey" feminine it was in design. I wish that there was a little bit more focus on the mother-daughter relationship but that's just because their bit really hit me in the heartstrings. Also, I was a wee bit annoyed at the ending... that still, in a movie about feminism and Barbie finding agency in herself, she still has to coddle Ken into self-discovery, separate from her. But yeah, I enjoyed it. Also my mom, sister, and I all wore matching pastel Barbie t-shirts. My dad was disappointed he didn't get one, lol.

We got the majority of the Christmas deco up. Poopy took on most of it while I just directed where what goes where and napped inbetween hah. He's so sweet. I'm really happy with how everything looks! Unfortunately all the pics were taken in the daytime so the coziness doesn't really shine through:

Peep Koya's new Christmas collar? Shawl? Idk what to call it. But it's really cute!!

In a couple of weeks, I'll be attending the Regionals holiday dinner with Poopy for the second time. I remember last year I was a mess over it, but this year I'm feeling better about it...more confident, and I will definitely not under-dress this time haha! I am looking forward to it (but mostly for the food, tbh :P)

date:11.13.23

mood: anxious currently: stressing out weather: chilly

Siiiiigh. I told myself earlier that I really wanted to avoid only writing in my diary when my feelings veered toward the negative but I don't feel like there is anything else I can do. I'm trying to patiently wait until my sister is home so we can have a face to face conversation about this but I'm going crazy. I've talked my poor husband's ear off for the past week about it and if anything, my anxiety has multiplied! I hate feeling indecisive and unsure but this is one of the biggest decisions you can make in your life and I just...honestly don't know how to feel. I have a lot of mixed feelings over this. I'm tired of agonizing over it but I feel like my time is running out so I need to decide sooner rather than later.

My whole life I never saw myself as a mother. As a kid, I never played with baby dolls. While my classmates were playing house and mommy, I was busy slaying dragons in video games or skating down the street with bloodied and raw knees. Not to sound like an NLOG but my interests from childhood into adulthood never were typically "girly" and I just never entertained the thought of motherhood. In my teens and early adulthood, I was staunchly child-free. Even now, when I think about it...I just feel a pit of dread and anxiety. I don't get those warm fuzzy feelings that have been described to me when thinking about infants and children. There's always been a long running joke that I would be a terrible mother.

So imagine my surprise that in the same weekend my mom offhandedly comments that she had a dream that I had a daughter, my husband comes back from a trip and mentions how he had a dream that we had a little girl, and wanting a kid is something he is really considering.

Immediately, I panicked. For many reasons, I don't want to have a child. The trauma on your body, the fact that I have a medical condition that would make it hard to conceive anyways, bringing a life into a world filled with unjustness and war and genocide and corporate greed. Being responsible for developing and molding a little human into a good person. I just don't want any of that for me. I love being able to come home from work and immediately spend time on my hobbies. Love that we can pick a random day to travel and vacation in the coolest spots. I want to nap all day? Great. I want a $700 resin statue? No problem!

As I was venting this stuff to my mom, she told me that all that material stuff doesn't mean anything. Which yeah, of course I can agree that at the end of the day you can't bring material goods with you into the grave or afterlife. But it made me really mad that I was told that I was being selfish. I tried to think of the pros and cons. The cons vastly outweigh the pros for me. Honest to God, I can't even think of ONE pro.

"You'll never know love until you have a child." False. I have so much love for my family, my husband, my dog, my friends...

"Who will take care of you when you're old?" Whatever facility I pay for? Also having kids won't guarantee that someone will take care of you or visit you.

"You will have a purpose!"

But I have a purpose now. To live happily and freely as I want. I feel some of the reasons to have kids are selfish on their own. Mom then jokingly busts out the "I would love to have my white grandchild" which oh my GOD that is NOT a reason for me to have a child. Sidenote: I really don't understand the white worship that happens in Asian culture. I remember months ago when my dad asked about grandchildren, I told him that I was 99% sure that we wouldn't have kids. His repsonse was "Oh, okay!" and that was that.

But besides my mother, my coworkers are also trying to guilt me or persuade me into it. One older woman took me aside and told me how she regrets not having children, and talked about how much she loves kids and how I should have at least one. And then another coworker, a middle-aged gay man, told me that I would regret it and then went on about how he wanted children but waited too late to adopt and I need to have babies because that is what I was made for. Very annoying, honestly. I had to hold back from screeching that everyone else's infertility is NOT my problem. I am not going to have kids because you couldn't.

Anyways, Poopy and I discussed it a ton over the course of a week and some days. He ultimately said that if he had to choose between a child or me, that he would always choose me. That it is 1000% my decision because it is my body. And that he would never regret what we decided to do.

But FINALLY, in that moment.....I did feel selfish.

Our whole relationship, he has never asked anything of me. He has always gone along with what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, he shoulders 100% of the financial burden, he does 90% of the chores, he's been so kind and patient and loving with me during the extreme lows of my mental health. I have the capability of giving the greatest gift to the most kind and selfless man, and here I am unwilling because I don't want to change my lifestyle or lose my identity. What is my identity even anyways? A habitually depressed hobby artist, gamer girl, introvert loser that has zero prospects besides my looks. Sad.

Poopy is sincerely one of the best people I know. I can see him being a loving and fantastic father. I can picture it clearly in my mind: him in lounge clothes cradling a little baby in his arms. When I think about it, I feel my eyes water because I am probably not the one to give that to him. I have never been maternal. I don't have the patience or the kindness or the mental fortitude and sheer strength that is needed to become a mother. It's strange to me, the thought of him being a father is perfect and makes me happy. But when I bring myself into the equation, that's when it all falls apart...

At the end of the day, I still have a list a mile long of why I don't want a child and I still find myself waffling. Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. But I would rather regret not having a child than having one and regretting it. It's crazy to think that as soon as I got over the age of 25, everyone expects me to slip into the role of Mother.

At times, I still feel like a child.

date:11.01.23

mood: sad currently: thinking weather: cold

As I get older, I always find myself thinking about aging, family, and what the future holds. Today and tomorrow are days of remembrance and I feel absolutely gutted that my mom is worried and sad wondering if anyone will visit Grandpa's grave. I've always thought about how hard it must be to be an immigrant oceans away from home, and times like this really make me appreciate and understand everything my mother gave up to give my sister and I good and fruitful lives. I honestly feel just really sad that my mom is so sad. I hate that I can't do anything about her sadness. Today my husband and I will stop by and put up the last of her ceiling fans and drop off a gift. If she is up for dinner together, I want to take her mind off of things and treat her to something nice.

Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been really difficult so I'm not very surprised that I am in such a down mood. I am artblocked. Work has been frustrating, and my least favorite season (workwise at least) is here. Because I am the only childless person in the office, I'm often volunteered to be the one that comes in on weekends for server upgrades or working the week of Thanksgiving/Christmas. It's pretty annoying because, yeah...I am not a mother but I also have a family that I'd like to see?? (But sometimes I think about the working mothers in the office that get to be with their children and then it soothes my irritation just a bit.)

I've also just been dealing with general craziness in certain spheres of the web. All I am going to say is that I'm glad my circle of online friends is small. I am quite introverted and standoff-ish IRL, and I will probably be carrying that over online to my remaining social media accounts, neocities included. I just don't want to deal with other people that I wouldn't even give a second glance to irl, to be quite honest.

This past Sunday my father-in-law fell. He is nearly 70 so it could've been very dangerous. He must've hit his head pretty hard because he was loopy and kept repeating "What happened?" It was scary. Sunday was spent in the hospital, waiting on CT scans and hoping that everything would be okay. He's fine, thank goodness, but suffered from a light concussion and has some bruised ribs. The doctors say he will just be sore but will recover. This accident had my husband and I venting our fears together about watching our parents grow old. It's funny how as a kid, they are your superhero...so strong and so resilient...but then you get to an age that you remember them being and it's like huh? I don't feel nearly as grown up as I saw my parents. They were just young adults trying their best too, huh...

I drive myself crazy anxious when I think about it! The inevitability of aging. Of time flowing. Of life going on even though you and your loved ones are gone. All we have are our memories at some point. One of my favorite memories is of my mom's 27th birthday. I was around 8 or so. I was hanging out with her in my parents' bedroom, watching her apply some lipstick and brushing her hair. Winnie the Pooh was on the small tube tv. It was such a mundane act, but for some reason it's stuck with me for years. My beautiful mom, glowing and happy, getting ready for a night out with her girlfriends. Kind of crazy that I'm around that age now.

Anyways enough of the sad stuff! I won't make myself feel any better by lingering on it. Some good news, my sister won't be relocating to California. Which means she will stay on the East coast. Yay! It's much easier (and cheaper lol!!) for us to visit each other this way. Plus, there are still some restuarants that we gotta check out together. This also means that next year, hopefully I can go back and finish viewing the Smithsonian museums. I never got to take my time at the art one because of time constraints. Also maybe we can enjoy the cherry blossoms in kimono!! My mom wanted all three of us to dress up the last time we were up there but I am a party pooper and said no because I was so embarrassed that I couldn't fit into mine because of covid era weight gain LMAO. But, that plus more has been shed so I'm ready this time!

My sister is also coming down in two weeks. I cannot wait for us to reunite 😭 Lately we have been sending each other sister memes back and forth so I think she misses me just as much hehe. The "sister in every universe" thing that was trending for a bit never failed to make me cry lol. I just love my sister so much 💗

Let's see...what else...Oh! I never really talked about it except mentioning it in a gc, but my work decided to rescind the decision to take away Halloween dress up. I ended up just doing a closet costume because I wanted to keep it simple. I was a cowgirl...Yeehaw! At home, we didn't hand out candy. There weren't really any trick or treaters anyways. We just dressed up (as farmers!), got Koya in her little cow costume, and picked up some Chinese food and had a scary movie marathon.

I have many things planned artwise and sitewise. I have some zine stuff to do, and owed art to finish....I've got quite a bit on my plate but I'm glad I have some kind of motivation. I also really want to rehaul /arcade so it's easier to read plus add some actual content on it. I finished Lies of P last week and I have SO much I want to say about it. I can't wait to write about my feelings and opinions. It was a truly beautiful game and I'm pretty stoked at the video that dropped yesterday (incoming DLC, patches, and free costume accessories!) I'm also unnecessarily proud that I beat it before they drop the patch that will make it easier haha. I've been enjoying making gamer bros mad on twitter and reddit telling them to git gud. (Some guys were wishing homelessness and joblessness to the devs because he couldn't beat the game. Wtf)

Whew, this entry is all over the place but I am feeling better now that I rambled. Time to work!

Edit: As usual, my mom gifted me some random skincare (even though I went over there with gifts for her haha!) She gave me some Shiseido eyecreams and LuLuLun face masks. I can't wait to try both. Not pictured is a Foreo UFO...I honestly have no idea what it does or how it works but I'll try just about anything out. I'm thinking about making a skincare section on my site for reviews and progress pics, though it would 10000% be self indulgent and just for me. I really miss the days of genuine beauty/skincare influencers ;v;

Mom and dad asked me if I would be okay with watching their dog next year in June for a few weeks. They are going to take a trip home!! I wish I could go with them so bad TwT But my mom promised to bring me home lots of Japanese skincare that we can't get here (and also some other stuff from Korea when they have their layover!) so that placated me really quick LOL. I also can't wait for the snack haul...and the mochi...the last time she went, she brought home an entire suitcase full of snacks and makeup for my sister and I to fight over lmao! I'm really looking forward to doing that again. I love my family so much 💗

date: 09.18.23

mood: tired currently: thinking weather: cool

I spent the morning catching up on friends' and mutuals' blog and diary posts and it really hit me. We are all pretty burnt out, huh? For a few months, I kept wondering just why am I so tired all the time? Why do I never feel like catching up with my friends? Why do I have random bursts of energy where I focus on one hobby at a time for a measly few minutes to two hours tops weekly, but leave the others to rot and collect dust?

I feel okay, in fact, my mental health has never been better since I lost the weight I've gained over the Covid lockdown era and (mostly) dealt with the grief of losing so many loved ones over the span of 1 to 2 years. I mean, it's not to say I don't get spells of sadness or general apathy because I definitely do! But I am sooo much better than I was. So why am I so bored, so spiritless, so lethargic.

WHY am I so tired? And just.."meh" feeling, when I'm not doing something crazy or out of the ordinary, like going to concerts, traveling, spending large amounts of money......

...

...It's...because of WORK!! Or my job, specifically.

These days I feel Aggretsuko's pain more and more.

Is this all there is to life? Slaving away as an animal in a jail cell cloyingly disguised as an office? The more time I spend behind a desk a corporate slave, the more unhinged yet exhausted I feel.

I came to this realization on Friday morning when I got a chiding email from my supervisor saying that I came into the office late one too many times. In my head I was like are you FREAKING FOR REAL? One minute late. 60 seconds. Seriously. Logging in a minute late 21 times over the course of the year...Like, I get it, scheduled times yadda yadda. But?? It's literally not my fault that I get held up on my way to my desk because a manager or whoever has a question about work. But I swear the second I cut them off, or tell them I'm not technically on the clock yet (so shove it!) I will get a demerit faster than I can blink.

I was just so shocked and angry. A minute late--but you guys conveniently forget all the overtime and extra hours, WEEKENDS that I've come in when there were server upgrades or program changes. Working over my scheduled hours for the day because bigwigs were coming in and everything had to be Perfect™. Me covering for other districts because someone was out due to health concerns, or their office being short because someone quit out of the blue. I kept thinking about it this weekend. And it was just making me angrier and angrier. I'm expected to put my all into this place, plan my life around coming into to the office, eat breath sleep sweat bleed this place....yet, you guys don't even do the bare minimum and throw pizza parties for us for morale! Gone are the days of random gift cards and luncheons and pats on the back.

Someone at work brought that up to management. "What happened to the lunches and parties where you guys provided us food?" Management in response tells us "Well, if you guys want potlucks, you have to plan them and bring in food on your own dime."

It's just too depressing. I AM DISTRAUGHT! The managers get their bonuses and flaunt their cruises and monthly leaves from work while everyone is expected to cover the slack. I'm over it. I am so lucky and blessed that Poopy has worked hard and we can more than afford having me stay home but...

Do I really want that? I guess I am a sucker, because I hate working. I hate working here. But I will also feel purposeless and listless if I just stay home and tend to my hobbies. Will I even gain my energy and love for my hobbies back? Or slip back into depression and just rot on the couch. I have so many questions and what-ifs floating around in my head. Every day I am more and more convinced that we as a human race really cannot function if all we do and care about is money and work. But that is the world designed for us...So what can we do?

I expressed my feelings to someone and they just told me "well, just work somewhere else!" but like. That's the problem, I hate being a corporate slave lol. Also, the time sunk cost fallacy. I've spent many years here, and I would feel like it would be a massive waste of my time to go. All the hours put into growing work relations, my reputation, specific programs and utilties I've built...gone. The headache of trying to transfer my 401k and other financials. The headache of just simply starting over. 

But also, there's another factor that I don't like to think about. I'm just...not good at anything else. I hate change. I'm scared of new things. I feel like I am the Queen of Learned Helplessness. I am an idiot and a fool, I am scared of something as simple as driving to places I've never been before or even driving the same roads but with increadsed traffic. I hate veering off my known paths, I hate breaking routine. I love being complacent.

I think that's my problem. I want to change. I want to change so bad, but I'm holding myself back because I'm scared! I'm always scared. I don't want to fail. And I don't want to change, but I do, but I don't but I do, repeat ad nauseum.

But if I don't then I will be stuck in this cycle of burnout and exhaustion. Taking a week off every few months, decompress and feel amazing...and then come back to the office and feel dead inside within 1-3 business days, haha.

I guess, maybe I should just take a leap of faith. And try. I'll try. That's the least I can do, afterall.

date: 08.21.23

mood: restless currently: listening to music weather: fair

Whew I had the most fun and magical weekend!! We traveled to Atlanta on thursday for a show on Friday and it was amazing. So much food and walking around this past weekend...But it's Monday, so it's back to work, back to healthy eating, and back to Earth lol. Post-concert exhaustion hit us hard though and we spent like 75% of the day yesterday sleeping. I only left the house to do a quick grocery pickup and then later on in the evening, to get some creme brulee for us to eat while we watched Amelie.

I totally meant to do laundry and organize my closet since I got some new clothing for fall and winter but I was too zonked.

Last week we finally got around to working on the garage arcade. I've spent lots of time playing Pac-Man since then..

progress on our arcade!! it's looking good so far. we still need to install some LEDs on the wall plus add some posters and stuff. it's fallout themed (hence the yellow and blue wall) we call it our vault arcade (～￣▽￣)～

This is probably my shortest (and worst hahaha) diary entry I've ever written but I really wanted to jot something down before I forgot. Maybe I'll come back to this entry and flesh it out but for now I will inhale my caffiene and try to get some work done n_n

date: 08.07.23

mood: sleepy currently: taking a break weather: hot...

Things I am looking forward to:

• Koya's Gotcha Day!! It's tomorrow!! I bought her a little hat and handkerchief to wear. We are going to take her downtown to get a doggy donut ^_^
• the QOTSA concert next week!
• the NieR concert in March 2024!!!! Just missed out on the VIP tickets but that's okay. Maybe next time! I REALLY want my Grimoire Weiss to be signed by Yoko Taro, Keiichi Okabe, and Emi Evans so I'm manifesting it for the next tour after this one!!!
• Planning a shopping and lunch date with my mom ♥
• Taking my parents out to a suprise brunch at the beach!!

Man, I have so much I want to complain about lol but I've been working on trying to to keep the whinging to a minimum lately in most aspects of my life. But there is ONE thing that has been bothering me to no end and I'm trying my best to not rant and rave like a lunatic but it's driving me crazy. My brother-in-law has come out as an Andrew Tate guy and I'm just ???? But this is also the 40 year old man who gives credit to Flat Earthers so what did I expect lmfao! He constantly says lately that modern men are "Weak" but like. Are you not including yourself in that? This is a man who failed to launch, he is in his 40s living at home with his dad, not contributing to the household by paying any bills or providing groceries, barely works, plays video games all day, HIS MATTRESS IS ON THE FLOOR WITH NO SHEETS, smokes weed in his room all day...doesn't know how to do laundry....

Like you're no prize yourself!? You're not an "alpha male" either LMFAO like what are you doing 😭 Poopy tried talking to him to guide him out of the manosphere rabbithole but ultimately told his brother that if he doesn't cut it out, he's getting cut out of his life. I know Poopy has tried throughout the years to help him so when he told me he's done with it, I believe him. It just sucks because I know he loves his family but he tells me it's hard to like them. And I completely get it. I know most people have issues with their families (myself included) but god. His family is something else. It makes me wonder why he turned out so successful and sane LOL...thank goodness for that, though.

Anyways lately, I haven't been up to much besides a lot of solo activities like drawing and gaming. For some reason, I'm feeling really disconnected from my friends and don't really have the energy or the want to socialize. Like at all. I force myself to pop online sometimes and exchange a few words but like. It's just so hard lately. I'm not struggling with my mental health or anything, I'm perfectly fine and whatnot but I just...want to be left alone, I guess. It's weird. I think what really kicked this off is how the dynamics of my primary (online) friend group have changed.

A couple of my friends in that group have started dating IRL and I don't know, it throws the whole vibe off. I used to talk to them separately in the GC all the time but since they got together, I feel like...I've been pushed aside? Ignored almost, I guess. I don't know, like it's not done maliciously or anything but it's just enough to make things feel weird for me. I guess it's a little immature of me but I genuinely don't like feeling ignored lol so I would rather just disappear than constantly feel like I don't exist. My other friend, Cyn, has been so busy with real life now that she is working again and it's just been lonely! We used to do a lot of art projects/collabs together and talked a lot in chat/VC so without her being in the group as a constant presence...it's just made me feel more alone than ever. T_T Though I am SO proud and happy that she's reaching her goals and moving forward.

I think it's just more of a sign and go out and touch grass more often. The internet is awesome because it can connect you with more people than ever but at the same time, it can make me feel so lonely and isolated when I feel like my genuine feelings of kinship aren't reciprocated. But I struggle so much with making friends IRL because where do working adults meet to make friends?? Where can I find people that share my hobbies, views, etc??? I'm interested in befriending other women but it feels like they are all mothers/tradwives or are gratingly political. I just want normie friends to do fun or lazy stuff with.

It's so odd how you can be in a happy relationship, but still feel lonely. I talked about this briefly with some others on an ib a while ago who also were having the same experience. I found a tiny bit of solace in that but I think maybe women just really thrive when having fufilling relationships with each other. My sister sent a picture in our family groupchat of her with her friends at her house and I couldn't help but feel a little envious. I wish I could be friends with my coworkers but they are all older women who have no interest in hanging out with the office baby lol.

I think I will look at some local activity groups and see if I can find anything that speaks to me.

date: 07.17.23

mood: happy currently: listening to music weather: humid

yay, i'm officially one year older! i'd like to think that every year that passes, i grow wiser, mature, and more mellow. i think it's true (mostly!) and as usual, i start another year of my life feeling so loved and blessed. i had a really wonderful birthday, full of warm wishes from friends and time with family! to celebrate, we went out to a beachside restaurant overlooking the ocean. it started off as a grey day, but as we ate and enjoyed conversation and drinks, the sun slowly but surely poked out and the skies brightened to a lovely blue! it was my first time at the Grand [REDACTED] and the atmosphere was so cozy and beautiful! i wasn't one much for fine dining when i was younger (definitely a pizza, burgers, and mall sushi girl LOL) but wow! every time i get to dine at nicer and nicer restaurants, i'm blown away. the food was amazing!! and the service was really good, too.

my family and i briefly mentioned my birthday during our meal in a conversation between ourselves, and somehow our server overheard and he brought out a really yummy fruit & praline tart! complete with housemade vanilla bean ice cream and a lit candle! it was so cute and thoughtful...i made sure to drill it into my dad to leave a generous tip LOL. i definitely have been going crazy with treats and meals since the beginning of july (yes, i'm the dreaded It's My Birthday Month!™ type of gal) but today is my humble return to healthy eating again! i had a good two week run though haha. got to eat everything my heart desired ♥

my birthday cake was cute, it made me laugh a lot. i asked my mom how she knew i liked KNY, thinking she had peeped my shinobu and giyu figures in my room the last time she came over, but she simply said "*nickname* i know you like WARRIORS (emphasized for some reason lmao) like pretty usagi!! (aka sailor moon)" then she pointed out how my pajamas (jujutsu kaisen printed pants...) matched my cake and i just laughed. she's so cute LOL. after we all chowed on cake that evening, we did our usual movie night. dad chose some action movie (extraction 2) i wasnt that interested in it, but i tried to follow along while drawing some pixel asset arts for my nanamin shrine that i've been trying to get done.

my bday gifts from my mom! she's so sweet, she said she got me some stuff for the concert i'm attending in august. a baby pink cole haan purse and matching bucket hat. i think she's under the impression that it's a pop music show, but it's not. (quite the opposite!) i really love these gifts though and can't wait to incorporate them in my everyday wardrobe. i was really shocked because i had been saying i wanted a new bucket hat to Poopy a while ago and she just has that mom sense, i guess. also i looked up the hat's brand (By Far) because i never heard of it before and jfc, it's a $209usd hat???? wtf. my dad gave me bday cash. i told both of them this year i didn't want anything but they still baby me....i can't complan though!(´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

anyways, i have been slowing down on artfight..i wanted to get a lot done. but i'm lazy and have been enjoying other things (like playing on the PSVita lolol) but i'm planning on doing a few more arts and then calling it quits! i want to work on V3 of lovesick, this time doing something fun with pixel art that i'm drawing! ideally, i would love for 99% of my site to be made up of homemade graphics and assets, so that's something i want to work on for V3, though it will take a very long time.

embarassingly enough (for me anyways lel) i've been kinda marinating more in the yumejo side of things...i swear, before i could NEVER enjoy reader/canon fics but something just changed and that's all i've been reading lately. the worst thing is...of all characters to get me into it is Sylvain (fe3h) T_T i didn't even really particularly like him when i played (not that i disliked him, he was just kinda there) but i read a reader insert fic on AO3 on a whim and it like. unlocked a part of my brain. LMAO! *cringes* but now i've been doodling yume art with nanamin and leon (the MOST basic bitch of yumejo shipping...im like. not mad at re2remake or zoomers but let me tell you i loved this hooker since he looked like this when i was 8 HAHA. i blame him for my IRL taste in men *sigh*

whew anyways this entry is really weird and all over the place but i blame it on me listening to that "cha cha cha" eurovision song on repeat like 100 times. i dont know why but i'm obssessed with the gumi cover. it's just really fun!

OK so plans for the week:

• get a gym membership- there's a gym 5 minutes from my work, so i might start going straight after at least 3 days a week!
• clean and organize my vanity!! i bought a new spinny shelf thing that i need to make room for.
• try and be consistent with skincare...

small goals for the week but i think i can reach them just fine!

date: 07.14.23

mood: happy currently: having breakfast weather: hot!

My birthday is tomorrow! I am so excited to spend time with my family and eat good food! I wish my sister could be here but I know she'll end up calling me and we will chat forever about nothing ♥

Despite me telling everyone I didn't want anything this year, I was bombarded with gifts early!! I really feel so loved! The other day my sister's gift for me arrived:

Vivienne Westwood Petra Earrings

Aren't these cute!? I really love them a lot, I love heart shaped jewelry and trinkets. It makes me think about how we would joke about the difference in the heart-shaped jewelry women would gift eachother versus the dreaded heart necklace a man gifts to their girlfriend LMAO! I was just super happy and touched at the gift, I wasn't expecting anything. I was a little suspicious though because a couple weeks ago, Poopy was in the gremlin cave snooping around my jewelry and taking photos. He told me he was taking them for my sister and I should have connected the dots!!

A lot of my diary always ends up being: what I bought, what I got, etc. So I know it's not the most exciting to read about but. My life is pretty boring and quiet anyways haha. Anyways, this is the most important ~what i got in the mail today~ post because my beloved friend sent me a package just in time for my birthday!!! I've talked about her here and there on my site and so I hope she doesn't mind me gushing over my gifts but. You guys don't even know! Sees is THE BEST! She is so thoughtful and kind, and just overall one of my most favorite people I've ever had the pleasure of becoming friends with! Everything she sent me made me want to cry, and now I feel more determined than ever to put together a really good gift for her!!! (Though honestly I think she is much better at gift-giving..!)

So this is what she sent me:

box 1! there was another, smaller box but she gave instructions to open it last in the letter she wrote. filled with cute doodles!

a little collage of some of the contents. ft my beloved corn almonds ♥ there were lots of things like stickers, decoden supplies, candies, instant food, makeup, etc!


now, when i opened the small box, i was in complete shock!!!! first at the cute pink heart packing peanuts (SO CUTE) and then when i saw what was in it...

a JP white&pink PSVITA!!! she decorated it wallpapers of miruku, and the other screen (home menu? idk im still learning it haha) with pink cowprint!!! and she took the time to download and install some games onto it that she thought i would like T_T!!♥♥ i was like..shaking and crying LMAO.

I really love handhelds! Even though I don't go a lot of places. The comfiest place to game is laying in bed so I can't wait to spend tons of hours playing games I missed out on because I never had a PSVita. I'm going to start Yomawari tonight. I fiddled around with PKGj to learn how to use it, and downloaded Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth to play when I get too spooked haha. I'm also super excited to play Deemo because I'm a sucker for rhythm games!

Anyways I already started playing around with the other things I got. I decorated my pill case with stickers:

I guess it's silly but it's cute and makes me happy. I can't wait to decorate with the decoden stuff, too. Trying to decide if I want to use a phone case or buy a PSVita case and decorate that. Decisions, decisions!

date: 07.06.23

mood: frazzled currently: drinking caffeine weather: humid

Returning to work after a few days off is always a bummer! I love days where I can lounge around and do nothing!!! For the past few days, I've been drawing furiously for AF. It's been fun! I still have quite the list to get through, so I hope I don't burn out. I think I'll settle on doing less polished pieces for a bit. Just to save my wrists. Anyways! This 4th of July I did nothing. It was nice! I don't even remember what I ate. My parents didn't celebrate either. It just feels...wrong to celebrate, honestly, because of how much I hate *insert current news & polictical rant here*

One thing I do want to say is that...the MOST stupid thing I have ever laid my eyes on is the "Don't Say Period" Bill that Desantis passed. The absolute state of this world rn.

Anyways, I clearly woke up with a thorn in my side because I've been so annoyed by everything this morning. Which is AWFUL! Because today is my anniversary with Poopy! He called me earlier when I got into the office and my immediate feeling was "GRR WHAT DO U WANT >:(" but he wished me a happy anniversary.....my anger melted away. Because he's sweet and also. Like every single year. I FORGOT TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSAY!! LMAO. That's right, FUCK gender roles..It is I, the Bumbling Ugly Idiot Husband Who Always Forgets Important Dates-wife married to the Hot Wife With A Banging Bod And Takes Care of the House-husband lmfaaoo

I'm not sure what we will do to celebrate! We might go to a steakhouse or something during the weekend because he's very busy this week dealing with some kind of company merger. I don't know the details because I barely understand the corporate world.

Since my birthday is coming up, I got to choose my present! I saw this really cute lampshade (which is how I know I'm getting old!):

It's stained glass! Custom, made to order by a stained glass artist in Korea! (you_r_yhthm @ insta) It was a bit pricy because it's an artisan good but I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. I'm planning on replacing the generic white lampshade on my heart table in the grem cave:

It's going to look so cute, yeah?

I browsed around her store and found a bunch of other stuff I wanted to buy, so I'll probably get some stuff for myself later! I'm wondering about the turnaround time and shipping time, but I'm pretty patient when it comes to stuff I really want. I just hope it arrives in one piece!

Some random buys:

I got this off of AliExpress LMAO. I can feel it in my bones that this bag is going to be bad quality but I just found it really cute...I need to find a brand that makes similar styles in mid to high quality because I am rough to my purses.

A ton of random stuff: nail art supplies and stickers, a heart collar charm for koya, ribbons, bandaids, and a rearview mirror cover thing (so dumb but it's cute idc) Hoping to make time to do a cute nail set soon! I want to be active in my other hobbies too.

I am splitting these with my sister! Predictably, she chose all the dogs. These are really cute and I can't wait for them to arrive sometime in the next 1-2 weeks.

Another matching keychain set for us! She's getting Chibiusa and Usagi for me. If she can't come home for the holidays due to her work, I'm planning on putting everything in a box and shipping it off to her.

My plans for this weekend: go thrifting! donate some clothes and other household stuff I don't want/need. watch MINARI (so i can cry. stories about immigrant families/parents always make me ugly cry because I remember how hard my mom worked to assimilate/learn English and what she had to leave behind. When I was little, she used to work at a duty-free luxury makeup store in an airport that had lots of Japanese tourists, so it was easy for her. Inbetween customers she would study an English grammar book...she was embarassed by it, so she wrapped it in giftwrap to cover it. And me, being the shitty kid I was and too nosey for my own good, ripped it off to see what kind of book it was, tearing it in the process 😭 My mom and I may butt heads all the time, but I really do love her and am proud of her. Immigrants really are one of the strongest kinds of women out there ✊)

Get my mouthguard fitted (I have been having SO much trouble grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw lately! So much pain and headaches, ugh.) Buy stuff for Koya's Gotcha Day next month!!! It'll be a year since we've had this little tubby ♥ (sidenote: her thyroid meds dosage seems to be working much better once doc upped it! she's dropped weight, and is running around the house and even playing with her stuffed dragon of her own accord!! it's super cute, i'm glad she's feeling healthier and better ♥) And lastly, read a new book!! I've gotten into reading stuff that isn't manga/webcomics again and now I feel like I've lit a voracious appetite to read all the things! Hoping to write a bit about what I've been reading but I am also pretty embarassed by my taste in literature lmao!

date: 06.29.23

mood: sleepy currently: at work weather: hot!

It's almost the weekend! I can't wait. I don't have a ton planned, but I can't wait to chill in my house and lounge around drawing in pajamas all day. (Yay artfight! I have a pretty long list that I want to get through but I don't think I'll have the energy to finish it....:c) I mostly have errands to run, stuff like car maintenance and grocery shopping, etc. I also have some volunteer work planned for Saturday, too! I will be going to the local animal shelter (where we adopted Koya ♥) and helping with the donation drive. I'm also dropping off some laaaaarge bags of dog food we bought. The shelter's funding isn't too great, and it makes me feel bad because there was some kind of embezzling scandal or whatever by some local govt guy that mismanaged the money that was meant for it. Well, actually it makes me extremely angry because...well, people can be so selfish. And dumb. Anyways, to try and negate all of that, I'm going to do my best to donate and volunteer regularly. I already donate to various senior dog rescues around the country so I want to do the same for my city.

There's actually a ton of volunteer work I want to do, whether it's physical stuff or donating. Poopy and I have been talking about donating to the local food pantry because the cost of groceries is so crazy right now. I feel lucky and blessed enough that we can afford almost anything we want, so why not help others? At work I heard a woman talk about how she had to choose between buying bread OR eggs and it really made me sad!!! It makes me think about the days when we lived exclusively on hamburger helper and meat from the discount grocery T_T I don't know, I suppose I'm just too much of a bleeding heart for my own good, but I get moved to tears easily when I think about how a lot of people are struggling right now! I wish there was more that I could do. Or, like, it would be nice for our government to actually do something...but you know. That's asking for a lot, apparently!

Anyways, the other day my sister told me that she and her husband will be moving to California because of his work next summer. I'm excited for her but sad, definitely! That's so far away, she won't be able to visit as nearly as often ;_; I have to arrange for a vacation by next Spring so I can see her one last time before they move. Thinking about driving this time though (even though it's like 9 hours away) because I want to buy ALL the snacks and cute stuff at H-Mart and Daiso (which we don't have in my dinky lil city.) Dreaming of having authentic hotpot again...

I'm still trying to be active in my ~online~ social life again, on Discord and whatnot. It's so hard though! Oddly enough, when my mental health is doing better, I don't feel the need to constantly connect with others. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but when I'm not so sad, I feel really fulfilled by my solo hobbies and activities. I don't want to speak too soon, but I'm feeling really, very good. I'm finding a lot of peace in my own company lately.

date: 06.21.23

mood: okay currently: relaxing weather: cloudy

It's been a while! Where have I been? What have I been doing!? The answer is...lots of stuff. And also lots of nothing inbetween.

I decided a couple months ago to take a break from the internet. Then it turned into two separate breaks...or just one pretty long one. I just wasn't feeling too good with the online world. Lots of stuff got me really annoyed or disheartened! So I took a break from everything, even Discord (sorry friends!) I am feeling much better though. For my sanity, I'll just be staying away from certain groups and discourse. Not worth it. I enjoyed plenty of trips, events, and social gatherings while I was gone though. I honestly had lots to say when I started typing...but I got distracted by updating this layout. Whoops! Anyways, I also realized that I did NOT work on my website at all when I moved hosts. Why is that? Did I miss the social aspect of Neocities? The politicking and virtue signaling and microblogging and other (annoying) stuff!? Of course not LMAO. But the main reason why I came back is.....well. I work on this silly place 99% of the time when I'm in the office.

It keeps me from going nuts on really slow days. But when I moved to a new host (Teacake) I found out that...my work internet blocked Teacake AND cpanel T_T Soo..I couldn't work on Lovesick at all. I had to find other things to occupy my time (like reading lots of fic and farting around on Toyhouse ~_~) I just didn't want to work on my site at home, because I use those hours to draw or hang out with Poopy. I really missed being able to "code" and no matter how much I tried to force myself into working on this site at home....I just. Never did. So I made the decision to come back! I need to switch over my domain url (www.lovesick.cafe) to Neocities though. But I'll do that eventually, maybe. I spent like $20 or so on it so I don't really care if I don't use it? I waste $20 on all sorts of things all the time so it's no sweat. o(*￣▽￣*)o Still undetermined about my site profile, though..I'll probably turn it off and on often haha.

The last two months were pretty busy for me and filled with lots of events and other obligations, I would write about it but honestly I'm kind of lazy. And I've already posted some stuff to my tumblr, anyways. Why have two different blogs? I don't know man. It just feels different to write over there and post pictures. (Like more casual? Fun? Idk!) I will probably never let go of that crusty place tbh...Anyways, I went on an entry cleaning spree over there and deleted a bunch of old cringe posts and other really identifying stuff. I just really like writing silly, mundane garbage so why not do it in two places!

Anyways! As usual, I am SO behind on replying to e-mails and Discord messages (what is up with the username update btw. I hate it. Thanks for nothing Discord!) but I will start drafting up my repsonses this weekend, when I'm able to! I've missed messaging with my friends, but life gets in the way, y'know? In between trips, visits, and weddings...I feel like I've barely had time to rest T_T July will be a busy month for me too...but on the bright side, my birthday is coming up! I will probably set aside any birthday money I receive for the breast reduction surgery I've been saving up for. Honestly, I'd be thrilled to chop them off completely but I'm scared of some of the health complications I've read about. It's just exhausting to have to tote around F cups on a petite 5 foot frame 😭 My back always hurts and it's sooo bad during That Time™. I tried losing weight to reduce them naturally (like 30 lbs!!!!!) and the only thing that got smaller was my band size -_- Absolute rubbish.

Tbh, I actually quite hate breasts on myself but find them beautiful on other women so I guess that's just me and my (literal and emotional) baggage LOL. I might keep a log about the whole consultation/surgery process and recovery journey when I can get it done, so I can look back at it but also have it up as a resource for anyone else that is thinking about doing the same.

Ok...I really went on a tangent there. My mind is running around and I can't really focus one one thing so I'm going to take that as a cue to finally have some lunch!!

date: 04.19.23

mood: chill currently: having lunch weather: sunny

So. I ended up caving in and ordering this Aigis figure from 2012. She's pretty big (1/6 scale or around 11 inches) but it was driving me crazy how tiny the Popup Parade Aigis was with the bulky base...I'm giving that one to my sister (who very happily accepted it as P3 is her favorite game of all time!) She's not much of a collector, but, like me, she can't resist free stuff of her faves LOL.

I've been working on pixel art and graphics lately, which has been surprisingly fun. I guess I really enjoy making things even if they are silly or will only be used by a handful of people. It feels really nice being creative! So much so that I decided to participate at an upcoming Women's Fair in my city. I'll be sharing a table with a couple of other ladies, which is exciting! I haven't met them irl yet, but they are really nice.

Some of the stickers I ordered arrived a couple weeks ago and I loved how they turned out so much I had to stick a couple on my iPad case. I'm waiting on some acrylic keychains, and I also plan on trying my best to make some beaded chains and charms when my supplies arrive (soon I hope...I have about a month and a half left to prepare ;_;) I think I'll share a couple of the designs in my art log at a later date. A lot of them are pink (surprise) and feminine (also surprise) but I think they'll do good. I also made some stickers to hand out as freebies to anyone that checks out the table. Maybe I should make a whole entry about my experience at the fair when it comes!!

If all goes well, then I'll consider tabling at the only nerd/weeb convention that happens down here but it's kind of stressful thinking of having to draw tons of fan art to prepare. I hate drawing fan art like 90% of the time but I do happen to enjoy some of what's popular right now (JJK, Demon Slayer, etc.) so maybe it won't be as painful? I also want to draw some classic fujo stuff like Yami no Matsuei and Gravitation but I feel like no one else remembers those manga/shows. What are the kids even into nowadays LOL? I know Slow Damage is popular-ish...but I have yet to play it. Maybe I can make some NuCarnival merch...

ANYWAYS I am thinking way too hard about something that I will probably not do, but idk! It might be worthwhile trying something new...

So some random things:

• I've been thinking about adding a comment box to this diary page? I get comments on my diary entries in my cbox or e-mail so it might be easier for everyone if I just included comments here. 90% Chance that I will do this.
• my favorite tumblr blogger followed me back and i feel lame for getting so excited LOL (because at the end of the day, we are all just normal women with specific interests haha) but it's like wow i've been noticed idk i've been following her for like 10 years so it's cool (to ME, okay!?)
• i ordered a custom design from a pretty popular designer on toyhouse. i like a lot of her designs, she's unafraid to add stretchmarks and leg hair, etc. to her designs while keeping them pretty/feminine/aesthetically pleasing. i gave her the theme of Dark Cupid, an idea i was toying around with for months but too lazy and out of ideas to design myself. i can't wait to see the design she comes up with! i don't think i'll do anything in particular with this character though (story-wise) i just really like to collect designs and keep them in my oc-barbie dollhouse.
• my sister is visiting next month!!!! i am SO excited. it was going to be a staycation type of thing (i took leave from work for it!) but then my parents decided that we should all go to the condo in the touristy city a few hours away. it'll be fun but i'm wondering how all three of our dogs will interact? i'm not worried about my angel koya <3 she is calm and chill 100% of the time, and my sister's dog (finn, a bernese mountain dog mix. his name comes from adventure time lmao) is uber sweet and gentle...but my parent's have a hyperactive giant devil dog LOL. i mean she's sweet but she's so crazy, i'm a little worried she's going to stress out my old lady. poopy says it'll be okay and he's probably right but i love to stress myself out

i'm really excited. i hope to take lots of pictures! i want to start taking lots of pictures of different moments in my life so i can look back and reminisce!

date: 04.12.23

mood: good currently: slacking off weather: cloudy

i was burnt out on working on my site for a little while because for months and months i was adding and fixing things on lovesick daily. during my little break, i finally got around to working out how to use procreate on my ipad in a way that i like (i'm very picky about my coloring and such even though i have painfully generic anime art) i started and finished The Good Place, which i enjoyed a lot. it was very silly most of the time but there were poignant moments that really resonated with me. the last episode made me cry (but is that saying much? i am a crybaby honestly..) and it made me think lots about how i would be able to live happily if i was alone. i really do like my solitude but i think life would suck without my husband. anyways it made me super sentimental so i went back and looked through my old blog and it was just funny to see the evolution of how i referred to him. it started as "the guy i like" to "my boyfriend" to "my fiance" and then "my husband!!" over the years and it just made me smile. but also cringe. old diary entries are always a trip to look back on.

so what else did i do during my break...

i learned some bootstrap for toyhouse and was finally able to make my own layouts. which is nice! and fun! except i still need a guide for all the shorthand because i'm easily confused. i know it's supposed to make it easy and faster to code but i just keep forgetting that px-1 mx-auto blah blah mess. but it's exciting and fun to learn new things and i feel very proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone the past couple of years and trying my hand at new (and old but failed) things. i'm feeling very fulfilled and happy! though literally zero people will see my efforts as i privated or set my characters and writing to authorized-only there hah.

i have a list of things i would like to do for the remainder of the month:

• learn how to set up an RSS feed. i'm slowly hobbling my way onto freedom...once i get that sorted, the next plan is to add all the websites i enjoy to my RSS feed reader or manually bookmark them if they don't have a feed. and then...i'm putting my neocities to rest. i contemplated disabling my site profile 5ever. quite honestly, a lot of the userbase annoys me to no end so i'm looking forward to it. and i want to live a chill and happy life, i've got enough stressors at my day job so why add to it? though, i'll have to keep my account up because i have that One Thing™ and i would like to keep it so. i'll just ignore nc unless it's to update and maintain my project. THOUGH someone was kind enough to lend me some code for it. i was fiddling with it and trying to get it to work but 1.) i suck ass at javascript and literally understand nothing 2.) i'm lazy. but i will get around to it!!! im a little embarassed to reach out and ask for help but maybe i will...then i have to deal with notifying about the update...which seems daunting though literally it's not a big list at all. i just suck ♥


• re-do my decoden log!! it's so bare and empty right now bc i always forget to document things until after the fact. so i will be ~rebranding~ it into a general crafts/hobbies log. so i'll include my decoden cases, supplies, how-tos (please God i want to include tutorials so bad but im lazy), painting, figure restoration/repairs, nail art, and some sewing/cosplay/armor making stuff. it would be nice to have a place to dump pictures and blabbing about all of that without having to make 59844 new pages so. that will be coming soon.


• finish taking photos and adding entries to My Room. now THIS will take forever. according to myfigurecollection I have around 150 figures in total (including ones that are still on the way) but this doesn't include the ones that i have not added yet (which are still packed up in moving totes..sigh..) this will be a labor of love but im gonna do it.


• add my collection of artbooks somewhere. hobby log? my room? i dont know yet but i'll figure it out eventually.


• combine some of my pages. maybe.


• do another art trade! im itching for some more new art of my ocs but i have already reached my Commission spending limit this month.


• get back into nucarnival.i stopped a while back bc i was mad (i kept pulling olivine who im not really a fan of despite typically loving priest/holy-man characters and edmond which. i dont even have the words to explain why i dislike him. i just do lmao) i had a dream that they were releasing nucarnival figures...it's a sign from god to get back into it.

anyways ending on that nucarnival note. i've been around some fujo discussion (or jabs, really) recently and it's just??? why do most of western spaces refuse to understand where fujoshi came from, or why it exists, or WHY eastern women proudly proclaim that term because THEY reclaimed it? it started off as a stupid japanese incel insult for women and later was used as a catch-all term for any female otaku regardless if they were into BL or not. so you guys are being kind of shitty with all the "ewww fujo" stuff btw. it reminds me of twitter stuff, where westerners refuse to see any viewpoint besides their own Correct Western Lens™ (which is exactly why so many JP artists have labeled y'all as American Feelings Yakuza LMAO) it's funny how they talk about cultural appropriation and how its BAD but then turn around and shit on parts of said culture they are "protecting." i dont really see myself as a True Fujo™, though i do enjoy BL content and ships, i'm just saying this as a first gen asian american woman who's noticed this weird hypocrisy regarding ~appropriation~

ok so tangent aside, as usual i will add my latest buys to my diary entry:

kaori yuki - angel sanctuary artbook Vol I
kaori yuki - angel sanctuary artbook Vol II
Sakizo - The Engraved Witch Art Book
Sakizo - Girl Meets Sweets Art Book
Gothic Lolita Bible 51 (this was an impulse buy..)
Trinity Blood Illustration Book Rubor
Shadow Hearts Office Guide JP
Shadow Hearts 2 Navigation Book JP
Shadow Hearts OST
Shadow Hearts - near death experience ARRANGE TRACKS
Shadow Hearts 2 OST

currently fighting off my impatient nature waiting for these to arrive. i used sea saver shipping because i am cheap and could not sucker my aunt into shipping this stuff to me LOL. but i understand, the medical field has always been busy but even more so right now T_T glad i didnt follow family tradition and become a doc/nurse kekeke. i enjoy being an office lady.

i got all the shadow hearts stuff for my personal collection. i have all this stuff digitally but i wanted physical copies too! i plan on scanning stuff for my shadow hearts shrine and finally working on that because i need to spread the good word about my favorite games while pennyblood is in development (the first game i ever supported on kickstarter. i cannot wait for this spiritual successor)

i also ordered a boatload of supplies for charm making, beaded bracelets, stickers and stationary!! i'm waiting for all of that to come in from HK/KR/JP so i can take pictures for my craft log.

lets see..what else. oh! i finally changed my diary layout. i really liked it at first but grew to hate it really quickly LOL. thats what i get for branching out into aesthetics that i don't love 100%. so im back to my usual taste. the new layout features my drawing of my ocs! i'm tempted to try and make/draw my own website graphics and assets going forward but that is 10000% way too ambitious for me right now while i'm working full time.

this was a really rambly entry but i had a lot of fun writing today. my goal for the rest of the year: have fun! be happy! yolo or whatever!

date: 03.30.23

a pic of the sakura tree in my sister's backyard. so pretty ♥
she texted it to me and it just made me miss her lots ;-;

I initially wrote this entry a few days ago but I didn't like the tone...(much too sad as usual lmao) so I decided to wait and see if I feel any better. And I do! It's crazy how much premenstrual hormones can make me feel like I'm insane I wrote a lot about my health problems but I think that stuff is more suited to a private, physical diary rather than an online one. While I like sharing certain parts of myself, like my hobbies and whatnot..I don't know. It just feels nice to keep some things to myself.

Honestly, nothing too new or crazy has been going on lately, which I'm pretty thankful for! I've been working like a madwoman trying to make OC layouts. I think that I want to move completely off of Toyhouse when I can get all of my character information sorted and uploaded to my site. It will take a while because apparently I have...206 oc profiles. But so far the process is really enjoyable if a little overwhelming. I finally decided to make the move after seeing the 10000th PSA on why Rando#200 is a Bad Person™ because they read or write problematic fiction or characters. It just irked me...because if you cannot write a villain that does detestable things without getting called out for it, then what's the point of creating a story? But also, if you want to write evil and slimy characters for the sake of it. Why not. Go wild. LMAO. I just think I can't be bothered to be around kids and young adults with a super puritanical mindset (like, why is there no problem with you watching Game of Thrones, but as soon as someone writes evil animu man, it's a big deal? Weird.)

Anti/Pro discourse just gives me a headache so I decided not to be around it anymore. Though, I will keep my account just in case I want to commission anyone that is a TH-only comm artist. I'm currently wondering what to do with some of the more mature/R18 fic and art I have of some of my OCs. It feels a little weird and embarrassing to put it on a site that feels as personal as this one, if that makes sense. Also, I really need to back up all of my files and organize them...but that will be a struggle for another day.

So besides mostly working on the more creative side of things lately, I have been playing lots of Power Wash Simulator and Rhythm Heaven. It's been nice playing brainless games but I really am meaning to getting back to finishing some games on my backlog. I still haven't finished Crisis Core Reunion despite nearing the end. I'm just really dreading it even though I know what happens I think I'll try to finish it within a week, and then move onto playing Yuffie's DLC for 7Remake finally. And then I can get back to Yakuza 0!!! I completely forgot what I was doing in that game but I know I'm far enough that I will NOT restart it (which I tend to do when I haven't touched a game in a few months bc I don't retain information!!!)

Once I'm done with that, I would love to replay the Mass Effect trilogy or Dragon Age. Maybe I will finally romance characters I haven't yet (just kidding no I won't I'm loyal )

I finally ordered my first doll. I was really thinking that it would end up being a doll in EGL but..as soon as I saw her I had to preorder her because she reminded me of my Milky ;w;

i have no idea where i will put her in my room, but i love her a lot already ok


latest mail. pins and keychains from vilense

date: 03.23.23

I've been wanting to write an entry for at least a week, but I didn't have much going on or I was feeling too...anxious? Unstable? I very much dislike "internet drama" so I just wasn't feeling keen on being in any online spaces for a bit. As I discussed with one of my friends, it's pretty crazy that people will throw accusations around without even bothering to clarify first. (Also most people clearly do not read your pages despite following you to form an opinion for themselves. But that's a rant for another day. Also yes, if I follow you, I DO read your updates and whatnot even if I do not comment on the feed [a feature that I dislike for the most part.])

But as I thought more on it, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter does it? People I am indifferent to or outright dislike not being in the same space as me isn't going to kill me haha. Though a lot of my hobbies center around the internet and the online community, this place isn't my life. I have a nice life outside of this place filled with lots of love and understanding. Though during my haze of uncertainty and anxiety, I deleted an entry that I wrote on Women's Day and I regret it! I wish I saved a copy...because I was proven right but that's okay. Maybe I can rewrite it when I'm feeling more clarity and can properly express my thoughts and feelings in a more eloquent and calm matter.

So what's new?...I got a lot of new mail in the past week or so (more figures, Death Note Black Edition, and some other random stuff) so I want to prepare photos for my figures page, but I'm kind of overwhelmed with how many I have...and having to write little blurbs for each of them. It will probably take me weeks/months because though I've been a bit more energetic lately, I will always have sadly low energy levels. I got my new desk built and set up. It's much more roomy and comfy now, plus it's white so it matches the rest of my furniture! Weirdly, it also makes my room feel bigger. Poopy and I ended up separating and splitting our games, so mine will stay on my bookshelves and his are going into the media closet in the library. I was hoping doing that would make a huge difference and leave me a lot of room on the shelves to display my other figures but...it literally maybe freed up one shelf. LOL. My detolfs are pretty much at max capacity (I don't really like the look of overfilled figure cabinets) so I'm trying to figure out what else I can do. Most pictures I've been looking at for inspiration just end up having like 6 detolfs for display, but like. 1.) I don't have the room for that. 2.) It's kinda ugly. So idk what to do! Gonna try and think on it more.

I downloaded Power Wash Simulator because of Steam's spring sale! It's surprisingly fun...and extremely relaxing to me. The other night I was awfully anxious but when I played it while having tea, I felt so calm that I literally passed out in my pc chair haha. I played it again for about an hour yesterday after work and I got sooo sleepy I had to stop and go take a walk. One of my (weird) goals for this year was to stop napping so much. It just wastes time and screws up my sleep schedule...and I really used it as a way to escape negative emotions and stuff. For the entire month of March so far, I've only taken a catnap on the couch for like 20 mins. So I've been doing good!!

Now for the progress on my screentime reduction & NO TIKTOK!crusade:

I'm very pleased with last week's report! So yeah..I did spend 10 hours reading fanfic and forums BUT! No Tiktok scrolling. I only opened the app ≤4 times to see what my sister sent me, and to reply to her messages. I also played enough classic Tetris for it to show up lmao. I've been so addicted to it lately and I have no idea why. Yesterday after work, instead of being productive and finishing up an art trade that's almost done...I plopped down on the couch and played Tetris the entire night while The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air played in the background. Sidenote, but I really love that show. Yeah some of the sexist humor has aged really poorly but I enjoy it nonetheless. There were two episodes so far that kinda made me sad: one about Carlton and Will getting pulled over for the simple crime of being you know what, and the second mentioning how as a child Uncle Phil went into the Whites Only restroom. An act that he felt wasn't inspirational because he really just had to go, lest he piss himself lol but Will viewed it as such. Now, it made me sad not because the episodes themselves (these lessons are soooo important to pass on imo) but because it made me remember that the Right are trying to omit things from history books, with the whole labeling of history as CRT. (Stupid as hell.) I'm sad because I wonder about how the future generations will turn out with the omittance of very important historical events and movements from our school curriculums. Like ignorance is bad now...it makes me feel awful when I think about how much worse it will be in the future.

Over the weekend I ended up purchasing a domain and getting set up with a new host. (Instead of going to that Murdery Mystery dinner thing. I just didn't feel comfortable and Poopy said he wanted me to be comfy so I opted to stay home. Sorry Poopy! But he was lovely and understanding as usual.) The SSL cert setup was nightmare-inducing but I finally got it done with the help of one of my friends. I plan on keeping my neocities so I can keep up with friends and sites I like, though I have no plans to update it. I'll just redirect the URL when the time comes. I didn't think I would get so invested into maintaining a personal site as a hobby enough to spend money on it, but I'm glad I have this creative outlet for when I don't feel like drawing. Which is too often then not nowadays, sadly.

The weather has been unusually cold for the past week, so I had to bring out all of the winter sweaters that I just packed away. I want to go shopping for some new outfits but I feel like I'm at the point in life where I'm starting to question my personal style as an adult. Do I still want to dress "weird"? Should I dress in what's normal and considered "appropriate" for my age? I feel like in NY and CA you can get away with being ~different~ in style from the usual but in the South...not so much. But I really can't see myself rocking Loft and Banana Republic like my peers. My sister and I talked about this at length because where do you shop when you're 25-35?? Our personal styles are VERY different (hers bordering that previously trendy baddie style) but I just thought it was funny that we were both at a loss of what to do about clothes! I guess I need to venture into different online communities to try and figure it out.

date: 03.10.23

I'm so happy it's Friday! I have lots of things planned for this weekend. I hope I can get it all done.

• Reply to e-mails and messages! (so behind...)
• Work on my side thing to get some resources and alternate stuff up.
• Build my new desk and get my gremlin cave re-organized
• Draw! I STILL haven't done what I wanted to do for Year of the Rabbit T_T
• Pick up some traditional art supplies. I'd like to have a sketchbook for stress free doodles
• Try and pull off all the old OSTs I have on a very old hard drive. When I tried to move over my old mp3s and midis, they transferred corrupted (I wonder if I have all my old elouai stuff on there too..)

I also think I want to do an art trade so I need to hunt for someone that's open to. Speaking of art, I got these cute chibis of my OC's Yves and Frankie as a ko-fi reward from SUIT. I really like supporting artists because 1.) It helps them eat 2.) I am too lazy to draw my dumb kiddos

I want to create proper profiles and bios for a lot of my OCs but I've been kinda of artblocked lately. Creativity where art thou? I miss world-building...I was supposed to be working on building an OC ship with one of my friends a while ago but she's been so busy T_T (and tbf I dropped off the face of the Earth for like two months recently n_n) I just wanna have someone to ship OCs with like I was doing in high school hahah. It's so fun doing that kind of stuff so I want to do it again!! But it's hard with new people. I have a few people in mind that I'd like to ask but it's kinda embarassing for some reason LOL

Yesterday was MAIL DAY (when is it not really..) And I got some more vidya merch in. Morrigan hasn't arrived yet because for some reason she went to Alaska??? All mail services have been super funky for the past few months. I hope she gets here in one piece n_n I haven't unboxed any of the figs yet because of the upcoming desk ~project~

My journey of less phone screen time has been going..okay. The amount of time I spent on Tiktok is sickening tho lmfao. WHY CAN'T I QUIT THAT STUPID APP??? why is it so addictive. dumb. Not surprised by the time spent in Chrome since I was reading some fanfic and imageboards pretty frequently at work. The Youtube time though...I don't know how or when I spent that time but it probably came from me tuning into those CHILL LO-FI GIRL MUSIC TO STUDY TO livestreams while cooking and cleaning hehe.

I was hoping for this week to have less screen time but I know that's definitely not gonna happen since I spent a lot of time reviewing things on my phone for a project while I was at work. Sigh. That's okay though. I just heard of some news about Discord updating their TOS and something to do with AI so I guess I'll read about it before I start my work day.

date: 03.05.23

This entire weekend was bright and sunny. It really helped lift my spirits, honestly. It was a very productive weekend too! I allowed myself like an hour or so of Youtube time, which I spent mostly watching cooking videos and videos of cute girls romanticizing their lives. I want to live a beautiful and happy life like that too, even if they are just posturing for social media and views. I want to make it a reality for me! Finding peace and happiness in the everyday mundane tasks is something I will strive for this year. ♥

Friday night we spent a lot of it unpacking the rest of the boxes labeled for the library. SO many DVDs and more books. I forgot we had so many anime singles and boxsets..all the work I did on my animanga page seems kind of like a waste because I have to take a ton more pictures! But I'm not too satisfied with it anyways so I might just have a few pics up (of my favorites, maybe?) and do a text catalogue instead.

I always want to write about my thoughts and feelings about media I have consumed, but I am so forgetful because I never remember things beyond "I liked it" or "Wow that sucked!" I want to rewatch a lot of things but my list is always growing and my energy is always dwindling. Kinda sad that it takes me effort and determination to watch stuff haha!

Saturday was a fun day. We went out antiquing for most of the morning and afternoon. On the way to a new place, I spotted a Hello Kitty themed house and Poopy was kind enough to turn around just so I could get some pictures haha!

Not pictured: all the really cute Hello Kitty yard decor (I couldn't get a decent pic!)

We found a bunch of neat vintage signs and pictures for the garage..but I didn't find anything I wanted that wasn't like $500! There were some really beautiful lamps and antique pieces that we were tempted to buy but didn't because of space concerns. I did end up buying some honey from the farmers market right next to one of the antique malls hehe. Also some Starbucks (you can definitely tell which drink is mine.)

Pictures of some of the stuff we saw while shopping around:

In the evening we went to the weekly Movie Night at my parent's house. The movie this time was my mom's choice, a horror called The Unholy. It was SO boring and generic. Not scary at all...cheesy and idk. I just wasn't interested. I can only see so many movies about The Devil™ tempting people until I get bored. But even though the movie sucked, I am always happy to spend time with my parents! It's my choice this week to come up with something and I'm struggling. I think I will go with a 90s movie though.

Sunday was the busiest Sunday I've had in a long while. I woke up early at 6AM and went straight to cleaning. I cleaned, sanitized, and organized my vanity, makeup, and brushes. I swear if you do ANY kind of chore with Animal Crossing lo-fi playing in the background, it just becomes a peaceful and happy chore. Did more cleaning around the house (dishes, vacuuming, who am I??), helped Poopy with the garage, took a trip to the garden store, fussed with my garden, did loads of laundry, cooked homemade ramen and gyoza for lunch! Meal prepped my lunches for this week. And even had the time and energy to use my treadmill to do some walking. I was just feeling so (unusually) good and positive that I had to take advantage of it. I hope this feeling lasts a while. It just felt so good to feel human again. Who knew I could find such peace in simple things like that?

I am going to try and keep this up and take better care with my life. I want to live a beautiful and simple, but happy life, so I'm going to do it!

date: 02. 28. 23;

slow & steady wins the race

mood: okay | listening to: かなしいうれしい - Frederic

Ah. Februrary. Was awful. Mental health = bad. Physical health = bad. I've been having flare-ups that have been pretty awful...it hurts to even get my skin wet some days because of the rashes. I'm back on steriod treatment which sucks!! I have a lot more anxiety of being perceived because of the condition my skin has been in for the past month. It's rough! Even my fingers get so swollen that the skin feels tight. Hate it so much.

TMI/gross stuff here:

ALSO. I have been having such a hard time with my stomach/intestinal health. I would say it's because of all the medications I'm on currently but this severe constipation started at the end of Jan. At one point this month I was pooping blood. I was so scared. I had to call my sister (nurse) freaking out about it and she had to calm me down. I've been on a cocktail of miralax and colace ever since lol (┬┬﹏┬┬)

[REDACTED] lol

I essentially feel like this a lot of the time:

But, despite of all that and the breakdown I was going through, I'm still here. So that's something! Even through the haze of depression I'm still trying my hardest to be somewhat positive, though some days are really difficult. I'm also on new meds for that. I found a new doctor, and she's really kind. I really prefer having a female physician and therapist, honestly. I can never let my guard down or feel at ease around a man that isn't my husband or father unfortunately.

SO end of the month checklist: I haven't really consumed any new media! (Besides the weekly The Last of Us watch and dinner with Poopy. I've cried like every episode but I'm sensitive)
There was some stuff on my list I really wanted to get through in Feb but it just didn't happen. That's okay though, I've got all the time in the world to watch TV haha. My sister wants me to watch True Beauty along with her but I'm still annoyed that in the webtoon whatever-her name-is ended up with Su-ho. I am a Seo-jun girlie...but I never even finished reading it so it doesn't really matter. (It got old quick!)

Goals-wise..I really didn't achieve anything that I wanted to but that's okay. I won't beat myself up over it. I'm slowly responding to emails and messages! Though it'll take me all week I think because I really put them off. I helped Poopy with setting up his garage workshop (it's Fallout themed. He put up a Nuka Cola pinup girl that I painted for him that he calls Nuka Button because he requested that she look like me though I don't think I captured my likeness well.) I'm going to take some pictures later so I can put them on Heart Connection. I STILL haven't finished my closet project...I have clothes all over the floor in there. But it's still better than what it was before I started.

Now I'm going to finish my strawberry lemonade and listen to something nice while I wait for lunch.

Edit:Ew I looked back and read all the past entries from Jan/Feb and they all mentioned me being sad or weird. REALLY hoping my March and April entries will be nicer.

hoping for a good March.
-K

date: 02. 12. 23;

deleted

mood: nothing | listening to: nothing

-K

date: 02. 06. 23;

a short entry: new gets

mood: content | listening to: restless song - shadow community

I haven't been making much of an effort lately to socialize or reply to messages. I'm going to try my best and catch up today and tomorrow. My period wiped me out last week!! I feel like my pains get worse every month since I found out a couple years ago that I have uterine fibroids. I spent most of my time sleeping if I wasn't at work. Annoying. So I didn't get a lot of my To-Do list done, but I did go on a crazy cleaning spree...mostly because Poopy's best friend was going to be coming over to help us pick up and set up the new TV we got.

Our old TV. It was a 55" one. It's going to get moved into my gremlin cave and replace the TV I have in there. That TV is going to go in the bedroom..and the TV in the bedroom is going to be mounted in the garage for Poopy's workshop/workbench area.

The new TV!! It's massive. 85 inches. It does fit better in our living room but I was like why does it need to be so big? "For gaming," he replies. Of course lmao

I guess I can't complain too much when he is always so sweet and gifts me things I mentioned that I really wanted some girl scout cookies randomly and he comes home with a CASE of my favorite ones (Samoas!!) How can I eat all of those before they expire?? I can't especially since I'm trying to be more health conscious...I wonder if I can freeze them.

Poopy got invited to a Murder Mystery Dinner Party that's going to be happening in March. I said I would go....but I'm kind of regretting it already LMAO. I think I'm going to be really awkward and embarassed because I'm gonna be expected to be ~in character~ or whatever and idk. Totally not my scene...but he really wants to go and mingle with his peers so I'm gonna sacrifice my sanity and do it. We have to go and get our costumes sorted (which I think will be the only fun part tbh) soon. I just want to be prepared early, I guess. I don't enjoy drinking that much but I will definitely have to have some liquid courage so I can do this thing.

Anyways, things I have planned for the week:

• Pick out Poopy's Valentine's day gift!
• Try and finish some art (I am SLACKING)
• Excercise 3x this week! I already have 1x down!
• Finally get around to making some okonomiyaki! I've been wanting it since last week but dinner plans kept getting messed up.
• Continue working on my closet project.

Nothing too ambitious or crazy this week but I'm trying to set small, reachable goals.

short entry but i'm really tired!
-K

date: 01. 30. 23;

cleaning cleaning cleaning

mood: ??? | listening to: vancouver 2 - mac demarco

I've been feeling a strange mix of restlessness and listlessness the past couple of weeks. I don't know...just a weird mixture of floating in the tiny slither of space between sad and happy. I give myself headaches trying to justify or figure out my weird moods. As often as I write about my stupidly sad moods, I hate doing it because I hate looking back at wretched I speak of myself when I'm feeling low, haha. It's always really embarassing but unfortunately all of my journals since girlhood had sprinklings of this stuff in them.

[Sidenote, I remember being so mad at my dad in middle school when he read my diary and got me into counseling. ACTUALLY...this is making something click in my head. I am an awfully and weirdly private person IRL (as my sister and Poopy have stated as well as my coworkers of many years) When I got married, I didn't even tell my own family for years LOL. My hangups about privacy 10000% has to do with how over my teenage years, my dad would periodically read my diaries and do a "wrist check" (I'm sorry if you know what I'm talking about..sigh) and my mom would always dig through my bookbags. Huh. It's all making sense now.. ]

Anyways, I've been working on fixing my sleep schedule, and that is going well! My journey into healthy and mindful eating is going well, too. I'm still trying to find the balance between being lazy and productive though. I think that will be a work in progress for the rest of my life...

So when I had a random burst of energy and determination, I decided to tackle my closet. I have NEVER through all of my life had a tidy and organized closet. And well...I decided that I don't want my own spaces to reflect what state my mind is in, if that makes sense? I figured having a clean space like this would help me. I do feel a bit lighter after cleaning, organizing and letting go of some very old and unused clothing and shoes.

The before (it's very bad I know):

...And after!

I ordered a bunch of organizational stuff and new hangers to make it nice. I still have yet to hang the clothes. I kind of want to get rid of the wire top rack first and put a flat wood shelf in its place, but raise it and the closet rod higher. I dont need a lot of shelf storage space (it'll encourage me to hoard) and honestly, the bottoms of the clothing hanging so near the shoe/purse shelves look so ugly to me. I'd like some space between! Though Poopy laughed and teased me because he doesn't think I'd be able to reach my clothes. Idk he might be right since I'm only 5'0" but whatever. I'll buy a shepards hook or something LOL.

I've spent some time playing Fire Emblem Engage and god, do I hate 99% of the character design. The designs I do like, I like in a sense of "Oh this would be cute if it was someone's OC." I really hate that they got a vtube/gacha designer to work on it. I am a hater 100% but I really do hate vtubers, vtuber simps, and the weird pathetic virtual-girlfriend-to-lonely-men culture. But I am unforgivingly judgmental and easily annoyed when it comes to that stuff LMAO. I wish I wasn't having such a negative experience with the game (because I love Fire Emblem as a series so much) but the cast is unlikeable at worst, or I'm just...indifferent to them at best. I don't want to get started on the writing. Or about how 10 year old Anna was a viable love interest originally...!! Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel about this stupid game. But I won't. If you frequent some of the same websites and forums that I do, you have probably ran across someone angrily venting about it. Know that that person was me. LOL

of course, i bought a pink cowprint case. not pictured: a pink cowprint phonecase i bought at the same time as this one. i can't say no to matching cases :3

Poopy randomly gifted me an iPad Pro ("Happy Thursday!" he said. Hehe he's so cute.) My friend Rissa was gracious and kind enough to hop on VC with me and shared her screen, walked me through a lot of the features of Procreate. I've been trying to get used to it but drawing on it is so hard? I'm very used to my PC and Wacom Cintiq setup. I'll be trying harder to get comfortable with it though. Having an iPad is a good way for me to get out of the house, even if it's just me going to a coffee shop to draw there. I'm trying my best!

Today I plan on opening one of the boxes my friend Nonnie sent me! I've gotta work on replying to DMs and emails today, too. I feel very lucky and blessed that I have such kind friends and people that care about me. It's enough to soothe the melancholy in my heart when I really take it in. I just love them lots! ♥

Work has been really busy for me the past two weeks, so I'm glad to have a little bit of downtime right now. I really wish I had a window if my office, because it's sunny, and I feel like being in the sunshine would do me good. I hope today goes by fast. I think I will take a walk this afternoon.

it's monday, so lets do our best!
-K

date: 01. 17. 23;

laziness strikes again

mood: tired | listening to: if you love her - tokyo tea room

some weekend gets from Poopy! i'm very excited to re-read Paradise Kiss after many years.

This weekend was okay. I've had lots on my mind lately and some of it feels silly, but some of it feels like there's a black empty void that's waiting to swallow me whole. I've been really tired lately...having lots of trouble falling and staying asleep. I don't know why, nothing has really changed about my daily routine? I might add some light exercise into the mix to see if that will help with my sleep quality. I find that when I'm tired and sleep deprived my mood kind of dips...but then I can't tell if maybe I can't sleep because of my mood? It's a little like: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? At this point, who knows! I'm just tired of being tired.

Poopy was able to work in town last week, so that was nice after him traveling for work. On Saturday he went to a cookout to meet up with some old buddies of his, which was fine with me because I stayed home and started Stardew Valley! I had to install some mods though. Portrait ones were my main concern because I really didn't like how the characters looked in the base game...I'm a little shallow when it comes to art style in games lol but can you blame me when I was raised on Final Fantasy /(ㄒoㄒ)/~~

Also the base running speed was SO damn slow I had to get something to speed it up. I'm just not patient enough to spend 30mins-1hr of in-game time running across the screen. Efficiency, please...

This weekend wasn't productive at all, honestly. Things I meant to do:

• put up the rest of the holiday decor (i did not)
• meal prep (i did not)
• do a fresh set of gels (i did not)
• do some spring cleaning in my closet (i did not BUT i need to do this desperately!!!!)
• draw! add the finishing touches to a trade and finish an OC artwork (i did not)
• watch The Menu (i DID lmao)

Soo...the only thing I did was watch a movie lmfao! I did really enjoy the movie, though. I love Anya Taylor-Joy...she is so beautiful and talented. I thought it was a good movie, though I can understand why some really didn't like it. I think it resonated with me more because I'm an ~artist~ that fell into the whole internet clout fame machine and got chewed up and spit out LOL. I'm very glad that I made the decision a few years ago to delete my accounts with high follower counts because it is true! When something you love turns into work and you having to impress non-stop...it kinda makes you loopy. And homicidal. Maybe.

Just the thought of having those thousands of followers in the same room as me IRL makes me feel nauseous, hah. I'm glad I'm not trying to appease a sea of faceless people who have no practiced skill in art but don't hesitate to mouth off like they know everything and critique and prod and poke like they are Experts™ (one character exemplified this in the movie and I thought that their part of the movie was so brutally embarassing that it almost made me feel bad forreal heh.) I have lots of thoughts about The Menu for sure, so maybe I'll take the time to write a full on analysis-slash-review, but let's be real! I'm a lazy queen. I probably won't ♪(´▽｀)

a buffalo chicken salad i made with romaine and other stuff. me trying to get more protein in my diet ≧ ﹏ ≦

I'm setting some goals for this week, trying to be better to myself even if a little at a time. I'm aiming to excerise for at least 30 minutes three times this week. Try and eat a more whole foods! (I am like a junk food vegan minus the veganism) Consistent skincare! And DRINK MORE WATER!!! I keep drinking diet soda and I know it's so bad for my teeth...I got this, though! Gonna do my best.

victory fanfare soon
-K

date: 01. 07. 23;

happy weekend

mood: good | listening to: C.Q.C - TORIENA

Okay so predictably, my mood is so much better now that Poopy is home. We spent the entire day together and I ignored some other stuff I wanted to do (reply to messages, put together the dyson, meal prep for the week, put away all the christmas decor! my tree is still up..) but I'll get to that stuff tomorrow. I'm really trying to be better with getting the things I want done promptly but that's still a work in progress.

Anyways a small photodump of some things things from this weekend:

swapped out the holiday candy in the candy dish for some valentines candy! is this really notable? no. but im kind of over the holiday aesthetics so i need to stop being lazy and get my house ready for spring. also, the strawberry & creme chocolates where so good!! though a bit sweet.

got some pretty flowers from the little flower shop by the farmers market. these are really pretty but i kind of messed up the arrangement when i placed them in the vase. i kind of want to learn flower arrangement so that might be something i'll add to my to-do list for the year! it would be good because i plan on starting a flower garden this spring.

the last of my christmas presents arrived. it's a custom LED light! Poopy got it made for me because he knows how much i love my fave. Seventh Heaven is the name of her bar. I think it's so freaking cute he got it in pink and white to match my room. He put it up for me and it pretty much completes the gremlin cave! now i just need to take the time to organize my figures in the left case and make my shelves look nice.

okie time to go to sleep
-K

date: 01. 03. 23;

new year, old stuff

mood: weird | listening to: la petite fille de la mer - vangelis

I'm feeling very frustrated. And sad...I'm sure returning to work and being home alone for the week is worsening my pathetic mood. People without mental illness or mood disorders are so very lucky. They don't know how exhausting it is to flip flop between moods so quickly. I hate that I can be fine one day and then a few days later, I'm spiraling into what feels like a never-ending cycle of sadness. I'm tired of being sad! I have nothing to be so sad over! I live a blessed and good life. But I can never stop feeling that underlying current of sadness and loneliness even in my best of times. I feel like a girl lost in the sea...drifting forever and never lucky enough to find a shore to swim to. There is an ocean between my heart and my mind and I cannot keep living with this strange and nonsensical disconnect. It feels like a comedy to be so miserable in a life full of love and prosperity. I feel really ungrateful and rotten when I have these moods.

Anyway now that I've gotten that out of my system...it's time for me to sit down and think of New Years Resolutions. I think I only have a few this year, and hopefully they will be achievable for me:

• be kinder to myself. this includes therapy and maybe getting a new prescription.
• establish an exercise routine. for my cardiovascular health mostly. it's very embarassing getting winded going up and down stairs LMAO. i already walk twice a day with Koya but i think something a little more strenuous added to my daily routine would be good, too.
• draw! at least once a week! ideally every (other) day but I get into funks where I just sit on the couch and scroll mindlessly through Tiktok
• quit Tiktok....I don't use Twitter anymore and right now I only use Tumblr/Pinterest for art inspo. the only "social media" I regularly use are imageboards and forums.
• get my spending under control!!! I am too stupid with money. I buy things and then decide later I dont want them. Dumb dumb dumb

I don't think I've ever successfully followed through on any previous resolutions (who has??) but I'll at least try. Minus the social media stuff, I pretty much make the same resolutions every year. I really wanted to add "Make ONE irl friend" but I think that's too ambitious. The one time I tried to use Bumble BFF did not work for me...I cannot relate to Moms and Outdoorsy Southern Belles. I may try that app again but I'm in that age group where you either have kids or you're single with 4 roommates and a bedtime of 2am daily, and I feel like it's hard to relate to either. I'm an old child-free buzzkill of a woman with a bedtime of 9pm. Or maybe I'm just an unhinged freak that cannot behave like a normal human being. Who knows!

I may actually take Poopy up the next time he offers me to tag along with him and his bestie when they do something. Just to do something that will get me out of the house and interact with people. Tbh the only time I'm out of the house is to spend money lmao so I think it'll do me some good to talk to other people irl besides my husband or my coworkers. My poor pink kayak is just sitting in the garage unused for the past couple of years. Maybe I'll ask him to go with me to the bay so we can paddle around and enjoy the outdoors when he comes home from his work trip! I think we will plan to go up to DC this spring/summer to visit my sister. I really want to go back to the Smithsonian Art Museum because we didn't get to see much of it last year. (On that note, I never want to go on vacation to the city with my parents again. Too annoying!) I also want to go on more roadtrips and weekend trips to other cities. (I really want to go to Tally for a weekend with a cooler in the trunk just so I can go to Trader Joes for the frozen food LOL) There's a lot of things I can do, so I want to try my best to do more than just lay about in my room in the dark. Manifesting a good year!!!

hopefully 2023 will be good to me!
-K